Author Archives: Allen

About Allen

Allen is the token male at Eligible Receiver (insert your own joke here). His sports memories begin with the glorious 1980 football season, in which Herschel Walker (the greatest college running back of all time) led UGA to a National Championship. Football's place in Allen's heart was cemented, and he soon adopted the Falcons as well, after a youthful indiscretion involving Roger Staubach. He is a recovering English teacher and soccer coach who's now a not very mild-mannered reporter in Columbia, South Carolina. By night, and often at his desk while pretending to be working, he monitors his fantasy team, blogs for Eligible Receiver, and peruses Ebay for sports shrine additions. He also loves the Braves, Arsenal, and is a confirmed book nerd (yes, that includes comics).You can find him on Twitter @allenwallace.

College Football Week 9: Two Mississippi, One Mississippi...

Ah, Mississippi. It was a good run for you.You discovered that America is still totally cool with the racism inherent in virtually everything associated with your school, and the fact that your state is the olemilk.0closest thing the U.S. has to a third world country. You were able to forget that your state has no pro sports and really no good reason for anyone to visit. Then it all came crashing down because of a dumbass decision at the end of Saturday's game. I don't blame this southern belle for her reaction in the least.

Read More...

College Football Week 7 Recap: Countdown to Mississapocalypse

They call it the Egg Bowl, or alternately the Battle for the Golden Egg. They've been playing it since 1901. Since 1927, the winner has been awarded the Golden Egg Trophy. Also since 1901, no one

Forget  the old national title trophy. This is what's important right now.

Forget the old national title trophy. This is what's important right now.

outside Mississippi has given a damn. Are we really headed for the Ole Miss/Mississippi State game being the biggest college football game of the year? And isn't that listed in the Book of Revelation as a certain sign that the end of the world is upon us? The answers are "maybe" and "absolutely."

Read More...

Famous (for being a moron) Jameis does more moronic things; FSU gently places hand on his wrist

Dear readers, allow me if you will to abandon the editorial "we" and step into the first person for a paragraph or so. I've been a sports fan since I was old enough to understand the term, and an occasionally productive member of society and the workforce for more than two decades now (Yes, I'm the token old man as well as the token male here at Eligible Receiver. Get off my damn lawn.). In that time, I've come to believe strongly that the key to long-term success in hiring and recruiting in any sport or business is this: intelligence is more important than talent. Jameis Winston, Heisman winner, national champion, and crab leg lover, has plenty of the latter, but the former is clearly lacking.

"Dear God, please help... nahhh, my bad, I'm good."

"Dear God, please help... nahhh, my bad, I'm good."

Exhibit A: In case you haven't heard, Jameis made the conscious decision, while apparently sober, to stand on a table in the middle of the Florida State University campus and shout "Fuck her right in the p--!" Many witnesses were present, and their Tweets are the only good thing about this incident.

Read More...

NFL Preview: AFC South

afc southWhy is this the last of the Eligible Receiver NFL previews? It's the AFC South. If that isn't explanation enough, all will become clear as you read. In short, finding good things to say about the teams in this division which do not play home games in Indiana is like trying to find a silver lining after a bad first date. "Well, she said she liked the movie." "She said she'll be busy for the next month, but I think she definitely wants to go out after that." Do we know this from personal experience? Let's just move on, in order of our projected finish, shall we?

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (11-5 in 2013)

 

Why They'll Win: They have Andrew Luck. The other starting quarterbacks in this division are Jake Locker (until he gets hurt), Ryan Fitzpatrick, and Chad Henne (until Blake Bortles takes the helm of the sinking Jacksonville ship). Good grief.

The Colts have outscored their opponents by just 25 points in the last two years, but won 22 games in those two regular seasons. Is Luck that good in close games? Maybe. Is that number affected by the incompetence of their division opponents? Yes. A thousand Matt Schaub pick sixes yes.The Colts are not a great team. Their best receiver started his career catching passes from Johnny Unitas in Baltimore, is now 118 years old, and is coming off a torn ACL (Note: only one of those things is confirmed). Their best running back is Trent Richardson. Again, their best running back is Trent Richardson. However, they have Luck, Pagano mania, a good tight end with a great name in Coby Fleener, and the advantage of two games each against the other teams in this awful division.

Why They'll Lose: If Luck gets hurt, say good night. That's not out of the real of possibility since Houston has J.J. Watt and Jadeveon Clowney. If they turn Luck into a wishbone, it's all over for Indy. Quick, who's the colts' backup quarterback? Yeah, we had to Google it too.

HOUSTON TEXANS (2-14 in 2013)

Why They'll Win: Jadeveon Clowney is legitimately terrifying. No, he doesn't go hard on every play. Breaking news: most players don't. What Clowney can do is occupy two blockers at all times, and on occasion show off athletic ability shared by few. He can change a game in one play. Oh, and they also have J.J. Watt. Andre Johnson can still play. Arian Foster, when helathy, can still play. Fitzpatrick is an Ivy Leaguer. Brains have to count for something, right? If he can manage games and the defense can bend, mutilate, and fold people, Houston could be a 9-7 team in this division.

Why They'll Lose: They were awful last year because their quarterbacks were horrific. Ryan Fitzpatrick to the rescue? No. Andre Johnson has done everything short of hijack a plane to get out of town. Arian Foster has as much chance of staying healthy as the guys who kidnapped Liam Neeson's daughter in Taken. Clowney could start losing motivation and start hitting buffets hard if the season goes off the track.

TENNESSEE TITANS (7-9 in 2013)

Why They'll Win: They unloaded the dead weight of Chris Johnson, who ran the past two years as if carrying the dead weight of all the fantasy owners whose dreams he trampled into the turf. They brought in Ken Whisenhunt to replace Mike Munchak as coach. Whisenhunt won a Super Bowl as the Steeler's OC, took the CARDINALS (you're damn right we're yelling) to a Super Bowl as head coach, then took the Chargers offense from 31st in the league to 5th as an OC. Munchak's resume consists largely of being a good lineman as a player and an organization guy as a coach. Moving from Munchak to Whisenhunt is like swapping an upper deck seat for a sideline pass. If Whisenhunt can show Jake Locker how to a) stay upright and b) make the football go to his intended target, they'll induct him into the Grand Ole Opry. Bishop Sankey can play, and also has one of the best names in the league.

Why They'll Lose: If (when) Locker gets hurt, they get to choose between Charlie Whitehurst, Zach Mettenberger, and coaxing Dan Pastorini or

The Titans' future starting QB?

The Titans' future starting QB?

Ken Stabler out of retirement (note to fans under 30: the Titans used to be the Houston Oilers). Suffice it to say these are not ideal options. Lots of experts are excited about Sankey, but the Titans have Shonn Greene ahead of him on the depth chart, so how good could he be? Quick, name a guy on the Titans' defense. If you succeeded, chances are you either live in Nashville or in the center of a very lonely existence. The Steel Curtain they are not.

Jacksonville Jaguars (4-12 in 2013)

Why They'll Win: A selective outbreak of ebola in the locker rooms of everyone on their schedule could give them a decent shot at going 8-8.

Why They'll Lose: Ah, Jaguars. How do ye suck? Let me count the ways. First, they're pretty openly tanking this year NBA-style. If you purposely play Chad Henne over the guy you drafted third overall, there's a problem. The draft pick in question, Blake Bortles, screams "guy who looks good on paper and in drills but can't play football." At no point in his college career did he do anything mind-blowing. Poor Maurice Jones-Drew was so traumatized by his years in Jacksonville that he voluntarily went to the Oakland Raiders. Rest in peace if you can, MJD. GM David Caldwell seems to have a plan, which is a huge improvement for this team, but the plan does not include winning this year.

 

College Recap: End of an Era

fsu1

Say this for the BCS, and say no more: it was better than nothing. Crotchety old men like me, your Eligible Receiver token male, remember the old days and not fondly. In those bygone times, Auburn would have been contractually bound to the Sugar Bowl, and Florida State to the Orange. We would have had to deal with days of debate without resolution over the "true" national champion, and we would have missed a damn good game. But the best thing about the BCS? It's gone, and something better is coming.

Read More...

College Recap Week 15: Sparty at the Bat

ohiostatesucks

An homage in verse to a great day of college football, and to the departed Ernest Lawrence Thayer.

ohiostThe outlook wasn't brilliant for the SEC that day:
Their champions were ranked third, with but one day of games to play.
And as the Sooners beat the Cowboys, and Baylor won its game,
A sickly silence fell upon true lovers of the game.

Read More...

College Recap Week 13: How Many Batteries Does It Take To Beat Florida?

Elf on a Chelf.

gsuThe answer? 1-AA, of course.

GAME OF THE WEEK: Georgia Southern 26, Florida 20

Let me make this clear. We love Georgia Southern more than any school other than (of course) UGA here at the impartial, unbiased, and definitely not at all Gator-hating College Recap.  We covered Georgia Southern in the Adrian Peterson (the other one) days and loved every moment.

That being said, there is no way Southern should beat an SEC school. There is no way anyone should beat an SEC team while completing zero passes. Yes, zero.

Oh, please do read on, unless you're in Gainesville and your tears are flowing all the way down to your jorts.

Read More...

College Recap Week 12: Gloom, Despair, and Agony on Me

auburn1We begin this week with a  moment of silence for the Georgia Bulldogs' season. Done? Ok, we'll now resume cursing what is absolutely one of the dumbest game-ending plays I've ever seen. KNOCK IT DOWN!

*Deep breath* Okay, while we are nowhere near over that debacle, we will valiantly try to maintain some semblance of professionalism and recap for you the less painful events of the weekend.

Read More...

College Recap Week 11: Tide Rolling, Ducks Choking, and a Man Named Jack

Saban

And then there were two. Yes, two. Ohio State sucks and we refuse to count the Buckeyes as a contender for anything except (another) embarrassment.  Oregon folded like Superman on laundry day. And 'Bama beat LSU so badly that Les may wear his hat backward next week and people are apparently seriously touting A.J. McCarron's Heisman chances (and no, "Heisman" is not a Katherine Webb-related metaphor). More on all of that to come, but first, his name is Jack. Myles Jack.

Read More...