Author Archives: LSum

About LSum

Lauren currently resides in Washington, D.C. and has the privilege of being heckled every time she steps out of her apartment in her Dallas Cowboys jersey. She grew up partially in Austin, TX and learned quickly about the importance of football and bleeding burnt orange. As a result of going to the University of Maryland and witnessing the joke that is Terps football, her allegiance to Texas football stood tall. After cheering on the legend that is Vince Young and crying at Colt McCoy’s injured shoulder in the 2010 Championship Game, Lauren shifted her main attention to the Cowboys. Lauren spends her days molding young minds as a teacher and giving extra credit to any known Cowboys fans in her class. She's playing in two fantasy leagues this year and is pretty much guaranteed to lose both of them. Also, once upon a time she had a small doll named Cromo (creepy Romo). Expect that story to come out later this season. If she knew how to work Twitter, you could find her there.

Fantasy Scoreboard 2014: Week 7

In a week full of really weird games and upsets (read Makeda's post for more details on this week's insanity), you might think the fantasy leaders would be surprising, but in actuality a lot of things looked the same this week as they have in other weeks. Rodgers had a good game, Murray had a good game, everyone Peyton threw to had a good game, blah blah. 


Fantasy Scoreboard 2014: Week 6

Guys, it’s been a hot minute. I apologize for being MIA on the blog for a few weeks, but I have lots to say today. First of all, I live in Arizona now. My life the past 10 days has consisted of a lot of this:

Pools + puppy snuggles = my life now

Pools + puppy snuggles = my life now

Also, I’m spending more time with my dad since he lives here and this is definitely not going to bode well for my football-spectator skills. As you might have gathered from previous posts, Papa SumSum has been a Steelers fan his whole life. Literally within an hour of arriving in Phoenix, my dad was telling me how after the Steelers lost to the Bucs, he took all his Steelers gear to Goodwill because he was over them. True story.

Did you know games come on 3 hours earlier here? IT’S FUCKING AMAZING. Night games are over by 9pm. This is literally going to change my life when the Cowboys play MNF in a few weeks.

Enough ramblings from me. I have plenty more to say, but you can read about it in this week’s Rants & Raves. Without further ado, here’s the best and worst fantasy moments from this past week.


Rants & Raves: Week 6

 This week certainly made most of our blood pressures raise quite a bit. Things ended up for those of us on top (hellllllllo, 5-1), but for Jackie and Allen, well, I'll let them tell you themselves. 


Fantasy Scoreboard 2014: Week 3

Saturday night I went to a wedding at the Baltimore Aquarium. Things quickly progressed and with the help of a lot of whiskey, a few shots, and a stolen bottle of champagne that I charmed a cater waiter into giving me so I could sit in front of the shark tank and guzzle straight from the bottle, I turned from a demur and elegantly dressed lady to a wild woman that somehow lost her shoes on the streets of Baltimore.

Fish heads to block the innocent because--- aquarium.

Fish heads to block the innocent because--- aquarium.

Obviously, I spent Sunday on Makeda’s couch like this:


 Not surprisingly,I missed most of the games but managed to stay half awake for the Broncos/Seahawks boredom parade. Here are the studs and duds from this week, as I’ve mostly gathered from what other people have told me.


Fantasy Scoreboard 2014: Week 2

In an ideal world, I would have made it more than one week before I got lazy with this column but alas, we live in a fucked up world. Contributing to my laziness are the following factors:

1. As Makeda previously discussed, Saturday night was rough. We attended a combination going away (me)/birthday (her) party and attempted to party like we were 22 again. It resulted with a very hungover and discombobulated Sunday.

1A. As evidence of my Sunday confusion, at one point during our RedZone viewing, a strapping young man in this jersey appeared on the sideline. My (unfortunately out loud) comment: “Wow, Phillip Rivers is a lot bigger than I thought.” 

Get it? I saw PHILLIPS and thought Phillip Rivers. Makeda laughed so hard she cried. And just to make it worse, this guy used to play for the Cowboys and we called him John Phillips Sousa. I had a nickname for him and still couldn’t process it!

2. My fantasy teams scored a combine total of 149.9 points this week. Shockingly I still managed to win a game, but clearly things are out of sorts.

3. I’m moving to Phoenix in 13 days (!!!!) and apparently there is a lot of work involved in a cross-country move that I’ve been putting off for the past 6 months.

Since I’m lazy and don’t have much to say I figured I might as well make this interesting for my handful of readers. Therefore, here are this week’s studs and duds as told through the Madden GIF Generator which DEAR GOD IS MY FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD.


Rants & Raves

Your favorite Eligible Receiver writers have quite the treat for you - we’re starting a new weekly column! After two years of trying to either avoid Cowboys failure references or discreetly sing their praises every week, I decided to just make an official column where I don’t have to pretend like I’m not going to talk about whatever madness Tony Romo & his band of misfits did this weekend. Thus, Rants & Raves was born. I’ll be venting about and praising the Dallas Cowboys and the rest of the writers will talk about their home teams: Jackie - Miami Dolphins; Makeda - Philadelphia Eagles; Allen - Atlanta Falcons; Madeline - Green Bay Packers. Without further ado, here are our rants & raves from Week 2 of the NFL season.


Fantasy Scoreboard 2014: Week 1

I woke up Sunday like it was Christmas morning. Much like Christmas, I spent the day in a drunken haze except this time I was at ye olde college bar instead of my parents’ house and with my best girlfriends instead of my parents. There was also a bit of flirting with potentially underage men, but we don’t need to go into too much detail about that.

Because it’s a college bar in a college town, there was a wide variety of teams represented and a lot of yelling that made it difficult to distinguish between what was happening on the various TVs, especially during the 11 (eleven!!!) early games. Luckily things quieted down during the afternoon games and I was able to focus completely on the Cowboys game…. at least until the frantically ordered bourbon set in. That said, here are the winners and losers in the fantasy world this past week, at least as viewed through my post-Christmas headache. Yikes.


NFL Preview: AFC North

Every year I suffer through the pain of baseball season, knowing that each drunken Nats game brings me a little closer to the beginning of football season. While this summer was no exception, somehow real life got in the way and football snuck up on me. Therefore, no extensive research went into the writing of this article. I basically read Deadspin’s Why Your Team Sucks series and called it a day.


Fantasy Scoreboard: Week 16

Howdy, friends and welcome to the 2nd to last edition of the 2013 Fantasy Scoreboard. I’m sure I’ll find some way to share my thoughts with my adoring fans during the playoffs, but it’ll be a little different than this. I’m currently in the air somewhere over Kentucky-ish, listening to Bobby D and waiting for the flight attendant to bring me more coffee. I’m trying to get this done now so that I can spend all my time at home maximizing basset-snuggle time and family-togetherness time. I’m also too cheap to pay for the in-flight wifi, so let’s do this from memory. COOL.

Disclaimer: I could not have been less invested in football this week. My reasoning is as follows:
• At 11pm Saturday night, my good friend gave birth to her first child. On Sunday I embraced all feminine stereotypes and spent the afternoon snuggling the cutest newborn ever and being completely transfixed by Tyler Adam’s baby hiccups (seriously y’all- CUTEST NOISES EVER).
• Even though my fantasy team is in the playoffs, I’m playing my best friend. We’re taking a trip to Tokyo together in February so before the playoffs we decided that if we end up playing each other in the championship, we’ll take the money to Japan and treat ourselves to an indulgent night of sushi or a sumo wrestling show, or something equally awesome. Win or lose, I win and thus had to be reminded to start a kicker this week.
• I know they don’t get a lot of press, so you probably haven’t heard about this yet, but the Cowboys have been trying really hard to lose in December and not go to the playoffs. I’m also going to shock you silly by telling you that sometimes I get really worked up about the Boys and the past few weeks have been a bit…. stressful… for me. And probably those closest to me/random unfortunate strangers on the street, truth be told. I was pretty sure the Boys were going to lose to the Skins this week, so I wasn’t too devastated to miss the game.

That said, for many people not playing in my farce of a league, this week was your last week of fantasy. Champions were decided this week. Fates of nations weighed in the balance. Who helped you win the trophy and who degraded you to the Sacko? Let’s try to find out, but mostly let's just get this over with.