Fantasy Football

Fantasy Scoreboard 2014: Week 1

I woke up Sunday like it was Christmas morning. Much like Christmas, I spent the day in a drunken haze except this time I was at ye olde college bar instead of my parents’ house and with my best girlfriends instead of my parents. There was also a bit of flirting with potentially underage men, but we don’t need to go into too much detail about that.

Because it’s a college bar in a college town, there was a wide variety of teams represented and a lot of yelling that made it difficult to distinguish between what was happening on the various TVs, especially during the 11 (eleven!!!) early games. Luckily things quieted down during the afternoon games and I was able to focus completely on the Cowboys game…. at least until the frantically ordered bourbon set in. That said, here are the winners and losers in the fantasy world this past week, at least as viewed through my post-Christmas headache. Yikes.

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Fantasy Scoreboard: Week 15

Making this is an hour of my life I'll never get back AND I DON'T EVEN CARE

This post is a little late because I’ve been in too much of a Cowboys-induced rage the past 48 hours to even think about writing it. The good news is that I’ll Miles Your Austin is in the championship and we all know that fantasy is more important than real life… wait a minute. Strike that, reverse it. I’m going to go stick my head in an oven now.

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Fantasy Scoreboard: Week 14

I’m in Chicago right now for the Monday Night Football game tonight. Disclaimer: I’m writing this post on Monday afternoon, so there won’t be any mention of the Cowboys/Bears game tonight. The reason behind this is twofold: 1. I want to eliminate my ability to say angry things about the Boys if they lose tonight and 2. It seems 100% likely that I’m going to be stuck in travel hell tomorrow trying to get back to DC during a snowstorm, so it seems best to just get this taken care of now. Also, it’s wicked cold in Chicago and the wind chills during the game tonight are going to be -5 degrees so….. if I don’t make it back from this adventure it’s been real, y’all.

This is what I'm wearing IN THE HOTEL ROOM as I write this. I went outside earlier and haven't recovered in the past 2 hours.

This is what I'm wearing IN THE HOTEL ROOM as I write this. I went outside earlier and haven't recovered in the past 2 hours.

It’d be impossible to talk about Sunday’s studs and duds without mentioning the surprise that Mother Nature gave us all. The weather was so snowy and blizzardy in places that it made the weather in Foxsboro look balmy and downright tropical. You’d think this kind of weather would increase the points for running backs and while there were some real stand out RBs (see Makeda’s post for the Shady love you’re not going to get here), there were also a lot of good games from not that great QBs. Read on to hear very little mention of all that entirely.

1399669_638334319546593_307851744_o

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Fantasy Scoreboard: Week 11

robert-griffin-iii-rg3-covers-nike-logo-02

Shoutout to the Kansas City Chiefs for doing what we all knew they'd do by  losing to the Denver Broncos. You earn the Not Nearly as Good as Your Record Indicates Award. The highest accolades go to the Carolina Panthers for beating the New England Patriots last night. You officially get the Actually Good, Not Just Sneaky Good Award. See you in the playoffs.

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Fantasy Scoreboard: Week 10

Congratulations to the Jacksonsville Jaguars & the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for finally securing wins this week! If you're a Titans fan (ahem, AL) or a Dolphins fan (ahem, JACKIE), a hearty congratulations to you too for choosing to support some spectacularly awful teams. I'd rather win every game, but if my team is going to lose I'd rather it be to the Saints in New Orleans than the JAGUARS AT HOME. Woof.

Studs

Nick Foles (QB, Eagles) + Riley Cooper (WR, Eagles)

Bromance forever.

This duo gets the 1st handcuffed stud award, because they seem to be a packaged deal. I definitely thought that Foles' impeccable performance and Cooper’s excessive scores last week was a fluke performance. There’s no way that Chip Kelly could have gotten it that wrong and started Michael Vick over a quarterback that is this good. Except, that’s exactly what happened. Nick Foles is THAT good. Foles added 3 more TDs to his record on Sunday, with Cooper as the recipient of 2 of those, as the Eagles (luckily, despite what you might say, Makeda) beat the Packers. Foles has now thrown 16 touchdowns with zero interceptions which is basically the sexiest sentence I’ve ever heard. After a blah season Cooper has now scored 5 touchdowns and 241 yards in the last 2 games. Next up for the Eagles: the Washington Redskins. This duo is going to massacre the Skins.

Rams defense

I love a good celebratory pose.

I’m sorry, but where did the Week 10 Rams come from? St. Louis must be a nickname for Mars, because there’s no way these Rams are the same Rams that have been playing all season. 4 interceptions, 2 fumbles recovered and 2 touchdowns. Wowza.

Duds

Brandon Jacobs (RB, Giants)

Yes, I know Brandon Jacobs didn’t start on Sunday. I know it’s hard to score points when you don’t play. I am aware of the rules of American football. However, did anyone see this?

LOLCATZ

I know the Giants haven’t had much to celebrate this season, but knocking your own teammate down during a moment of triumph? Serious dud status.

Eddie Lacy & James Starks (RB, Packers)

Screen Shot 2013-11-11 at 6.44.55 PMNot a handcuff type of situation, but rather a for all intents & purposes, they’re the same person type of situation. Was I the only one that though the Packers running backs would get some increased carries this week without Rodgers? I started Starks over Le’von Bell using that reasoning and then had a FUCK YEAH thought when Seneca Wallace went out. But then…. nothing. Or close to nothing, anyway. Sparks had a pathetic game and Eddie Lacy was nothing to write home about. While I didn’t expect the Pack to win without their fearless & bearded leader, I did expect them to not be entirely pathetic.

Surprises

Tavon Austin (WR, Rams)

More planking

Not only was Tavon Austin a surprise on Sunday, but the entire Rams team surprised the world by crushing the Colts in Indianapolis. Austin had a mediocre season thus far, only scoring 2 TDs in Week 2 against the Falcons. With Bradford out for the season, there was no way Austin was going to get a lot more catches and have any blowout games, so I did what any good fantasy owner would do: I dropped him. I’m pretty sure me dropping a player is the lucky charm for him to go crazy the next week and have the best game of the season. 3 TDS and 138 yards this week? You’re welcome, Tavon. Also, I’m in love with this shimmy.

Ryan Fitzpatrick (QB, Titans)

Happy Movember from Fitzy!

I’ve always loved Fitzy. That name, that brain, THAT BEARD- I’m powerless against it. Much to my delight, Fitzy had a surprisingly excellent game on Sunday. 2 TDs, 264 yards, plus an added bonus rushing touchdown. Definitely good stats for Jake Locker’s backup quarterback. The bad news? Fitzy still lost to the JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS. Womp womp.

Scott Tolzien, (QB*, Packers)

Rodgers watches his playoff chances fumble away

Remember when Aaron Rodgers got hurt and Packers fans everywhere lost their mind, unsure of who their quarterback would be. Remember when the Packers started their backup Seneca Wallace and Packers fans lost hope? Remember when Seneca Wallace got hurt in the first offensive drive of the game and Scott Tolzien (who?) replaced him? Madeline’s email says it all:

Screen Shot 2013-11-11 at 1.22.13 PM

Also, it’s important to mention that his appearance here doesn’t come because of a surprise great performance. It’s definitely instead a SURPRISE! this person exists type of thing.

*Let’s use a loose definition of “quarterback” here.

Honorable Mention

Running Backs

Remember last week when every decent running back was on bye or dead and a bunch of random players scored points instead? Not the case this week. Check this out:

Screen Shot 2013-11-11 at 4.21.23 PMThat, my friends, is a lot of double-digit scoring running backs. Despite my personal feelings and reluctance to discuss, a special shout out must be given to the New Orleans trifecta of Pierre Thomas, Mark Ingram, and Darren Sproles. Way to fuck up my season/life.

Fantasy Scoreboard: Week 9

A picture's worth all my words

Editor’s Note:

As I’m sure all you loyal readers know, Makeda & I wrote a post last week about the best & worst NFL players in Halloween costumes. It was neither scientific nor comprehensive, but rather two friends having some fun at the expensive of professional athletes. In exciting news, that piece got picked up by NFL Memes & posted to The Daily Snark website. We got understandably excited about our brief brush with fame, but then it got even more exciting because we got a hater. Yes, ladies & gentlemen, we have arrived. An actual comment from our post on The Daily Snark:

Worst judges ever. I could find a group of 13 year olds with more logical opinions. THREAD GETS A 0/10 FUCK YOU MAKEDA AND LAUREN.

Thank you, random internet troll for making us feel special. Please note that here at Eligible Receiver we have never pretended to be logical, intelligent or have any idea what we’re talking about. We belong perfectly on a website called The Daily Snark, not The Daily Boring Logical People. If you’re looking for logic, look elsewhere. Troll on, motherfucker.

I watched the games on Sunday with the usual crew (minus Makeda who was en route back to DC from Tennessee). It’s important to note that the two male members of this crew were horrifically hungover from the previous night’s Halloween celebrations, during which one guy almost got us kicked out of a bar for stealing someone’s mask and throwing it away and the other guy tried to tell me that his “head of veterans was hard”. Despite the Gatorade chugging, groans of pain and pure insanity coming from these two, I was probably the most confused (and definitely the most sober) person on the couch on Sunday. How in the world did Nick Foles tie up Peyton Manning’s touchdown record? Who the hell is Riley Cooper? Did the Bucs really start off their game against the Seahawks 21-0? Did the Jets bounce back from their Cincinnati massacre and beat the Saints? IS THIS ALL A HALLOWEEN/DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TRICK?

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Fantasy Scoreboard: Weeks 6 & 7

I'm a week behind on my post from last week, but I'm currently watching a marathon of an MTV show from 2008, so in comparison, a week is really alright.

I spent last weekend in the motherland, frolicking around fields checking out awesome bands at ACL, eating tremendous amounts of tacos chased with copious amounts of tequila....

Tequila in my hand, tacos in my tummy, happiness in my heart and drunken insanity in my mind.

Tequila in my hand, tacos in my tummy, happiness in my heart and drunken antics on my mind.

and most importantly WATCHING MACK BROWN AND THE LONGHORNS CRUSH OKLAHOMA. Also, the Cowboys beat the Redskins. And I got to watch both those games from Texas. DC served me a cruel slap in the face by having the engine of my car die as soon as I returned, thus making me too much of a frantic car shopping mess to talk fantasy football last week.

HOOK EM HORNS

HOOK EM HORNS

Now that I've gotten some good ramblings out of the way, let's proceed with this week's and last week's studs & duds.

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Fantasy Scoreboard: 2013 Week One

Football season is back. And with it, hearts full of optimism. Thousands upon thousands of fans full of the beautiful possibility of a winning season. The glimmer of the playoffs seems obtainable and a winning season is without a doubt going to happen. I think we all sat down Thursday night to watch the game full of the hope of 5 months of hard-fought battles and well-earned victories. It's like sitting in the East Dillon locker room letting Coach Taylor fill you with inspiration and the knowledge that the game is bigger than yourself.

"A few of you have been here. A few of you have not. One thing we all have to do tonight, we've got to focus. The game plan, the fundamentals, gentlemen, moving the sticks what we're going to be doing out there. And listen, fellas, there's a joy to this game, is there not? There's a passion, there's a reason why we're all out here. Other than the fact the pride that it gives us and the respect that it demands we love to play the game so let's go out there and have fun tonight. Do you understand? Because tomorrow, if you give 100% of yourself tonight people are going to look at you differently. People are going to think of you differently. And I promise you you're going look and think differently about yourself. Clear eyes, full hearts. Can't lose."

Oh Coach Taylor, how I wish you were a real person.

Oh Coach Taylor, how I wish you were a real person.

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