NFL

Sideline Picks: NFL Week 16

Ravens @ Texans

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
36-24-1
Karma and J.J. Watt are on Houston's side. Who needs a QB?
Madeline
35-25-1
Ravens have too much to play for.
Jackie
32-28-1
The Ravens are a solid December team and need the win.
Makeda
28-32-1
Things I have learned this season: I'm not good at picking games. Therefore, my picks this week are based purely on which team/players I like better. This one goes out to my boy J.J. Love you, boo.
Lauren
22-38-1
Because Papa SumSum said so, that's why.

Chiefs @ Steelers

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
36-24-1
The Steelers have been inconsistent all year. Time for a down week.
Madeline
35-25-1
Why not?
Jackie
32-28-1
The outcome depends on which Steeler team show up. Hopefully it is the good one for their sake.
Makeda
28-32-1
Because I've been loving on them all season and I see no reason to stop now. Also, I love running backs, and Jamaal Charles is what is statistically referred to as "a fucking beast."
Lauren
22-38-1
A Steelers fan did me a solid this week by a) agreeing to watching Friday Night Lights and b) reserving judgment on Tim Riggins until the end, so I'm going to do him a solid back by picking his team.

Falcons @ Saints

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
36-24-1
They'll win to keep teasing me.
Madeline
35-25-1
How is it week 16 and I still have no idea how any of these teams will perform on any given Sunday?
Jackie
32-28-1
These crap teams have a lot to play for. I give it to the home team, but I think the Falcons would be slightly better in the playoffs.
Makeda
28-32-1
Every time I'm in New Orleans, I'm reminded of how awesome the Saints colors are. Do you realize how many options there are for accessorizing with black and gold? I saw a woman my mother's age wearing gold sequined pants. At a football game!! So baller.
Lauren
22-38-1
I just really really want Drew Brees to be happy. Sorry, Allen.

Seahawks @ Cardinals

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
36-24-1
With all due respect to the Cardinals, no way they're winning this one. In answer to my earlier QB question: Arizona does.
Madeline
35-25-1
Sorry Cards, you are on like your 25th QB.
Jackie
32-28-1
I love the Cardinals team, but at some point you have to falter once you have your 18th string Joe Schmoe behind center.
Makeda
28-32-1
I don't need to talk about how much I love Richard Sherman again, do I? I didn't think so. As everyone has pointed out, props to the Cards for making it this far despite starting 37 QBs over 16 weeks. But the L.O.B. is bringing this one home.
Lauren
22-38-1
Fun story (mostly for Keets): On Sunday I'm going to a bottomless mimosa brunch and then watching "the game". It's a very DC thing to do except "the game" is this matchup and involves no burgundy or gold and certainly no racist names. God bless America.

NFL Recap: Coming Down the Stretch

SuperBowlXLIXLogo

There are just two weeks left in the regular season, which means it's a football free-for-all. This is the point when we all become heavily invested in the outcomes of games we normally wouldn't even register because PLAYOFFS, BABY!!! Let's break it down by division and see who's still got a shot.

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Sideline Picks: NFL Week 15

I know, I've been slacking this week. I missed my recap post, and now I'm posting picks on the day of the games. But they're up before kickoff, which is all that matters. We have some big games this week as we near the end of the regular season. Let's see how we do!

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Rants and Raves: Almost the Playoffs

Here is the almost playoff version of Rants and Raves. Read about the unjustice in the NFL where Allen's shitty team is likely making the playoffs, but my extraordinarily mediocre team will not.

Allen 

The Falcons are reaching new heights of Falcons this year. Somehow they've managed to land in the worst division in the history of football. As a result, I can't even look forward to the draft like fans of most shitty teams. Instead, I have to keep wondering whether 6-10 or even 5-11 might get us a home playoff game. Oh,but they're not done. They keep showing flashes of potential (beating the Cardinals, almost winning at Lambeau), just enough to encourage my delusions. I mean, what if we got Dallas at home in the playoffs? We could Romo our way past that, and then... being a Falcons fan is like being in an emotionally abusive relationship. If they were a person, my friends would have an intervention.

Allen is hoping this Falcon's team does not finish the regular season.

My other dreams include Todd Gurley falling far enough in the draft for the Falcons to grab him. He could replace Stephen Jackson (who might as well be a walker from The Walking Dead) and lead us to glory. It could happen, right? Right?

He can soar right into a Falcon's uni, right?!

Madeline 
I”m very happy with where the Packers are at in the playoff race. Second seed is definitely where we need to be. However, I think Aaron Rodgers hovering and pacing at the sideline when our defense is on the field speaks volumes. Dom Caper’s defense allowed 30 points in the second half. THIRTY POINTS! Come on. Get it together.

This half grin by the beautiful Benedict capture Mad's love hate relationship.

We have been here before. Our offense looks unbeatable, but our defense is shit. Our defense lost us our Super Bowl run in the 2011 season. 15-1 with our only loss to the Kansas City Chiefs because our offense was having an off day. We enter the playoff race in the divisional round to play the New York Giants. We lost because we allowed 37 points in the divisional game.
I pray the same thing doesn’t happen this year, but if the Falcons game is any indication, history may repeat itself.
Makeda 
Oh, my dear sweet Eagles. Why can't you just commit to being mediocre? Why is Chip Kelly a god among men and capable of making literally anyone a passable quarterback? I was sure when Nick Foles went down and Mark Sanchez came in, we were doomed to a 7-9 season. But no. Somehow Chip Kelly has made Mark Sanchez just good enough to keep the Birds winning -- you know, until they're up against a real team like Green Bay or Seattle, and then the Eagles look like a Pop Warner squad. It's such a painful tease.

Kelly's feelings about Mark Sanchez.

And now we have to beat Dallas to ensure a division win, which is my least favorite football sentence to write, because it means I am subjected to statements like, "You got the second best QB in the NFL coming into town this weekend. Only Aaron Rodgers is better than my boy!!" from Lauren's fellow Cowboys lover. UGHHHHHHHH HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?! Dear Santa: All I want for Christmas is a win against the Cowboys on Sunday. I have been a very good girl, I promise.

Makeda needs this Christmas angel to bring her a win this Sunday.

Jacqueline
The Dolphins are not dead to me yet, because to be quite frank they have exceeded my preseason expectations. Tannehill seems to be getting better each year, which is expected because he didn't start his reign behind center in college until the latter half of the 2010 season. Putting his high school years aside, this guy was a receiver four years ago. However, I can complain about them almost living up to great expectations and failing again. Get it together for the entire Baltimore game and not just one quarter. Until there is some semblance of a run defense the Dolphins will continue being aggresively mediocre.

This is for LSum.

Also, let me take the time to go ahead and complain that Allen's shitty 5-8 team is probably going to the playoffs. Oh and they have to beat out a team with a QB with a broken back and then in the first round of the playoffs may have to beat another guy with a broken back. Screw you Atlanta. Screw you Saints. Screw you NFC South.
Also, Cam did you really have to break your back this week? I needed you in the playoffs this week. You are playing Tampa. Now I have to rely on Jay Cutler, so yeah, I am going to rant about that too.

Sideline Picks: NFL Week 14

Steelers @ Bengals

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
31-21-1
The Steelers are the weirdest team in the league. I think the good ones will show up this week.
Madeline
28-24-1
Can I really pick a team that lost to the Jets? I guess so...
Jackie
27-25-1
The AFC North cluster. I still dig the Steelers. This is the time of year they have been known to roll and the Bengals roll over.
Makeda
25-27-1
The Steelers are SO WEIRD. I don't trust them.
Lauren
16-36-1
For my dad.

Chiefs @ Cardinals

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
31-21-1
Arizona is 10-1 in its last 11 at home. Quarterback? Who needs one?
Madeline
28-24-1
Cards at home. Plus, I had to do a double take that the Chiefs lost to the Raiders.
Jackie
27-25-1
Cardinals! I am still on this train.
Makeda
25-27-1
Chiefs! I am still on this train.
Lauren
16-36-1
Homer pick.

Seahawks @ Eagles

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
31-21-1
Could be the best game of the week, but to beat Seattle, you DO need a quarterback. Philly can't stop Lynch, and Sanchez is still a fraud.
Madeline
28-24-1
Seattle has turned their ship around.
Jackie
27-25-1
The dirty bird match up. I have taken the title away from the Falcons because they have looked more like penguins lately. Give me the Eagles.
Makeda
25-27-1
I'm taking my boys. Let's do this.
Lauren
16-36-1
I HATE THE EAGLES.

Trash Bowl: Giants @ Titans

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
31-21-1
Can I pick both teams to lose? No? Then Giants, because Odell Beckham makes miracles happen.
Madeline
28-24-1
What a trash bowl this is. Jeez. Ugghhhhh … Giants, I suppose.
Jackie
27-25-1
Can I pick both teams to lose? No? Then Giants, because Odell Beckham makes miracles happen.
Makeda
25-27-1
Jesus H. Christ, these teams are terrible. Giving it to the G-Men because there's no way Fitzy repeats last week's performance.
Lauren
16-36-1
Vince Young is still a legend.

NFL Recap: Light It Up

Yesterday had a lot of high-scoring games, with three teams scoring over 50 points and five more with over 30. But let’s do a brief recap of the Thursday games before we dive in.

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Sideline Picks: NFL Week 12

Bengals @ Texans

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
26-18-1
Wallace Gilberry, who plays DE for the Bengals and clearly lacks intelligence, talked shit about J.J. Watt this week. My prediction: Watt will score four TDs and kill, dismember, and devour Andy Dalton.
Jackie
24-20-1
Does Ryan Mallett get more comfortable in game two? I think so.
Madeline
23-21-1
I know nothing about either of these teams.
Makeda
21-23-1
Lauren
13-31-1
All hail J.J.

Lions @ Patriots

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
26-18-1
Belichick and Brady have it going. When they're playing like this, no one can beat them except a mediocre Giants team.
Jackie
24-20-1
The Pats look unstoppable.
Madeline
23-21-1
Pats at home. Pats because I need the Lions to lose. Pats because it’s hard to bet against Brady and Belichick. Pats because of Gronk. Pats because of Prater.
Makeda
21-23-1
I don't know why I picked this game. It's gonna be a bloodbath.
Lauren
13-31-1
I realized recently that I need to support more AFC teams because my love for NFC teams is becoming excessive. I'll work on that next year. Go Megatron!

Rams @ Chargers

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
26-18-1
Taking the Rams because they looked good last week. Trying to think of something that could compel me to watch this game.
Jackie
24-20-1
Chargers at home look good to me.
Madeline
23-21-1
Cause the Rams play hard.
Makeda
21-23-1
I am not sold on this Chargers team and the Rams have forgotten they're not supposed to be good.
Lauren
13-31-1
I actually think this is going to be a really close game and I would kind of love it if the Rams actually won, but I'll be logical and pick P. Rivers.

Cardinals @ Seahawks

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
26-18-1
The Cardinals are legit, but they're not going to run the table. Drew Stanton winning in Seattle? Not happening.
Jackie
24-20-1
The Cards look great and Seattle looks lackluster. They go into Century Link and steal another one.
Madeline
23-21-1
Cards won here before. I’m not super impressed with Seattle’s wins as of late. Winning against the Panthers, Giants, and Raiders is simply not impressive. They just lost against an on-paper good team in Kansas. I’m not sure Seattle wins this game.
Makeda
21-23-1
Ahhhhh, I don't know!! The Seahawks' home field advantage is huge, especially for a team that can't decide if they're good. But the Cardinals are not fucking around this year. I think these teams will split wins, so I'm taking Hawks this time and the Cardinals in Week 16.
Lauren
13-31-1
Baby needs the Seahawks to lose in case the Boys need the wild card spot PLUS I live in Arizona now, so....