Rants and Raves

Rants and Raves: Almost the Playoffs

Here is the almost playoff version of Rants and Raves. Read about the unjustice in the NFL where Allen's shitty team is likely making the playoffs, but my extraordinarily mediocre team will not.


The Falcons are reaching new heights of Falcons this year. Somehow they've managed to land in the worst division in the history of football. As a result, I can't even look forward to the draft like fans of most shitty teams. Instead, I have to keep wondering whether 6-10 or even 5-11 might get us a home playoff game. Oh,but they're not done. They keep showing flashes of potential (beating the Cardinals, almost winning at Lambeau), just enough to encourage my delusions. I mean, what if we got Dallas at home in the playoffs? We could Romo our way past that, and then... being a Falcons fan is like being in an emotionally abusive relationship. If they were a person, my friends would have an intervention.

Allen is hoping this Falcon's team does not finish the regular season.

My other dreams include Todd Gurley falling far enough in the draft for the Falcons to grab him. He could replace Stephen Jackson (who might as well be a walker from The Walking Dead) and lead us to glory. It could happen, right? Right?

He can soar right into a Falcon's uni, right?!

I”m very happy with where the Packers are at in the playoff race. Second seed is definitely where we need to be. However, I think Aaron Rodgers hovering and pacing at the sideline when our defense is on the field speaks volumes. Dom Caper’s defense allowed 30 points in the second half. THIRTY POINTS! Come on. Get it together.

This half grin by the beautiful Benedict capture Mad's love hate relationship.

We have been here before. Our offense looks unbeatable, but our defense is shit. Our defense lost us our Super Bowl run in the 2011 season. 15-1 with our only loss to the Kansas City Chiefs because our offense was having an off day. We enter the playoff race in the divisional round to play the New York Giants. We lost because we allowed 37 points in the divisional game.
I pray the same thing doesn’t happen this year, but if the Falcons game is any indication, history may repeat itself.
Oh, my dear sweet Eagles. Why can't you just commit to being mediocre? Why is Chip Kelly a god among men and capable of making literally anyone a passable quarterback? I was sure when Nick Foles went down and Mark Sanchez came in, we were doomed to a 7-9 season. But no. Somehow Chip Kelly has made Mark Sanchez just good enough to keep the Birds winning -- you know, until they're up against a real team like Green Bay or Seattle, and then the Eagles look like a Pop Warner squad. It's such a painful tease.

Kelly's feelings about Mark Sanchez.

And now we have to beat Dallas to ensure a division win, which is my least favorite football sentence to write, because it means I am subjected to statements like, "You got the second best QB in the NFL coming into town this weekend. Only Aaron Rodgers is better than my boy!!" from Lauren's fellow Cowboys lover. UGHHHHHHHH HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?! Dear Santa: All I want for Christmas is a win against the Cowboys on Sunday. I have been a very good girl, I promise.

Makeda needs this Christmas angel to bring her a win this Sunday.

The Dolphins are not dead to me yet, because to be quite frank they have exceeded my preseason expectations. Tannehill seems to be getting better each year, which is expected because he didn't start his reign behind center in college until the latter half of the 2010 season. Putting his high school years aside, this guy was a receiver four years ago. However, I can complain about them almost living up to great expectations and failing again. Get it together for the entire Baltimore game and not just one quarter. Until there is some semblance of a run defense the Dolphins will continue being aggresively mediocre.

This is for LSum.

Also, let me take the time to go ahead and complain that Allen's shitty 5-8 team is probably going to the playoffs. Oh and they have to beat out a team with a QB with a broken back and then in the first round of the playoffs may have to beat another guy with a broken back. Screw you Atlanta. Screw you Saints. Screw you NFC South.
Also, Cam did you really have to break your back this week? I needed you in the playoffs this week. You are playing Tampa. Now I have to rely on Jay Cutler, so yeah, I am going to rant about that too.