Before we begin mocking Lane Kiffin, let us pause and reflect on these facts: he is 38 years old. He is rich beyond the wildest dreams of the average person. And despite his complete failure at job after job, he will inevitably be a head coach again. None of those things are true of us, but there is this: we've never been pulled off a bus and fired in an airport parking lot.
By the way, reports that Derek Dooley will be the next coach at USC are largely made up by us, but we do so hope they are true. Derek, of course, is a football genius and loyal Bulldog who trampled all over the shreds of a once-proud Tennessee program in Kiffin's wake, and really, who deserves a similar fate more than the Trojans?
As for Lane himself? Bad coaches never die, nor do they even fade away: don't be surprised if he ends up in Jacksonville somehow. The players there make less money than at USC and are far less highly recruited, but at least he'll be back in SEC country. We love him here, in the same way we love William T. Sherman, unsweetened tea, and Yankees who tell us how they did it in Cleveland.
BEST GAME OF WEEK 5
There's only one choice here: Georgia 44, LSU 41. Even if we were remotely objective, we'd pick this one. Remember when the SEC was all about three yards and a cloud of dust and defensive battles? No? We don't either. It was clear from the beginning that neither team had any ability to stop the other. Zach Roethlisberger/Mettenberger was solid for LSU, but good Aaron Murray showed up, as his dysfunctional and sometimes abusive relationship with Georgia fans hit another upswing. 298 yards and 4 tds for Murray, and 494 yards of offense for the Dawgs.
Georgia has played three Top 10 teams in four weeks, and emerged 3-1, with the road to a championship looking freshly paved ahead.
WORST PERFORMANCE OF WEEK 5
Oh, you thought we were done with Lane? Not close, ladies and gentlemen. Under his "leadership," Southern Cal gave up 62 points to Arizona State Saturday. Arizona State doesn't usually score that many in basketball games. Trust me on this.
Here's an indication of how bad this was: the Los Angeles Daily News reports that AD Pat Haden and other school officials met DURING THE 3RD QUARTER and decided to fire Kiffin.
The only way things could have been worse for Monte's favorite son would have been Haden coming down to the sideline and firing him mid-game. Don't think it wasn't considered. This is USC. Who was the best player in school history? O.J. Simpson, of course. They're not shy about brutality.
OTHER STUFF FROM WEEK 5
South Carolina was lucky to escape UCF and George O'Leary's fake resume with a win. Did you know O'Leary coached the Packers in Super Bowls I and II? Says so right here.
Clemson is really, really good. Could a Clemson/Georgia rematch happen in the BCS title game? It could.
Ole Miss isn't ready, at least not yet. Alabama gave them a lesson on playing with the big boys.
Stanford/Oregon should be fun to watch. November 7.
We apologize for the lateness and limited duration of this post. We'll make it up to you with a bonus column or possibly candy.