It’s time for the 1st Annual Eligible Receiver Midseason Awards in which we use our excellent football intelligence and logical deduction skills to confer completely made up awards to NFL players. Also, lots of pictures. Enjoy!
Allen: Peyton. Not close.
Jackie: Peyton Manning, because it is.
Lauren: Drew Brees, based on the criteria that he scores a lot of points AND is a great leader for his team.
Madeline: Aaron Rodgers. He lost everyone on his team- even himself.
Makeda: Peyton. The man came back from surgery on his neck to tie an NFL record for passing TDs in a single game a year after his return. He's a baller. That said...a friend sent me this last night and GODDAMN. It's a shame we're basing these awards on Week 9 and prior.
Allen: I pay so little attention to individual defensive guys. I blame fantasy football. J.J. Watt is awesome, though.
Jackie: Robert Matthis, 11.5 Sacks, 3 FF
Lauren: Sean Lee. I thought this was a blatant homer pick but I checked the stats and he’s tied for most tackles (90) and interceptions (4) in the league. SEAN LEE, I LOVE YOU.
Madeline: That guy I watched the other day and can’t think of who he is. Definitely that guy.
Makeda: Richard Sherman. Pick sixes + celebration dances with cheerleaders = #winning
Rookie of the Year
Allen: Eddie Lacy. He deserves it just for surviving a move from Alabama to Green Bay.
Jackie: Ziggy Ansah, 19 tackes, 3 sacks, 2 forced fumbles (Detroit Lions)
Lauren: Giovani Bernard. I’d give it to Lacy, but I think the Bengals are like the overlooked sibling and as the least dramatic of my sisters and the middle child, I feel their pain.
Madeline: Eddie Lacy- gave the Packers a running game for the first time since before Super Bowl.
Makeda: Eddie Lacy is the obvious choice here, but I’m going with Joseph Fauria of the Lions, king of the touchdown dance. Keep living the dream, kid.
Allen: With apologies to Eli, Matt Schaub took it to a new level with his record-setting pick-six streak.
Jackie: Eli Manning, duh. Carson Palmer is a close second.
Lauren: Let me first of all state that I am SO HAPPY no one has picked Romo and he’s not even close to consideration. I really approached this from a scientific angle. It’d be easy to pick Eli because he clearly has the most interceptions in the league, but I wanted to make sure that was the real story. Some interceptions are just completely unlucky. Some teams have no running game, requiring their quarterbacks to throw all the time, which ultimately leads to a highest risk of interceptions. So I did what any good blogger/someone bored at work would do: I made a spreadsheet with the stats of every QB in the league. I sorted the data to see what quarterbacks has an abnormally high attempt rate. I calculated their pass completion rate to see if they are normally on target and just get unlucky sometimes or if they seem to throw erratically frequently. All this and more to find out the results for Captain Interception. My scientific conclusion? Eli Manning. He has a horribly low completion percentage (55.7%) and the highest percentage of interceptions thrown out of total attempted passes (0.69%). I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it was worthless. Eli, you suck.
Madeline: Eli “Aw Shucks” Manning
Makeda: Michael Irvin said, “It’s one thing to throw an interception, it’s another thing to throw those Matt Schaubs.” He was referring to pick-sixes, which Schaub threw in four straight games, setting an NFL record. Of course with Matty boy injured, this award is now Eli’s to lose by season’s end.
Allen: Peyton again. He’s a machine.
Jackie: Jimmy Graham. All about the U, baby!
Lauren: Adrian Peterson. Whenever I think that someone else could possibly be beasting out, my brain shows me the image of AP dragging FIVE Cowboys with him into the endzone and I think No way. AP all day.
Madeline: Calvin “Megatron” Johnson. Under triple coverage he can reach up and still catch the ball. What a beast!
Makeda: What Madeline said. Calvin Johnson makes catches in triple coverage REGULARLY. Out of control. AP is basically tied for this award, but Megatron's ups give him the edge.
Allen: Falcons. Tony Gonzalez passed up retirement for a shot at a ring with this team. Oops.
Jackie: The Bucs, I thought they were going to be 6-10ish; however, their failure thus far was unpredictable. Oh and MRSA, Greg Schiano, and Josh Freeman.
Lauren: The Atlanta Falcons. They’ve won a whopping 2 games and lost to such powerhouses as the New York Jets and the Arizona Cardinals. Matty Ice is tied for 4th with most interceptions on the season and there’s no running game to help him out. Sadly, I see things getting worse before they get better for these guys.
Madeline: Jacksonville “They Have to Go to London to Get Fans” Jaguars
Makeda: Remember when the Atlanta Falcons won the NFC South, beat the Seahawks in the division playoffs but fell short in the NFC Championship in a heartbreaker against the 49ers? Yeah, that was last season. What the hell happened to this team? No, seriously, I'm asking, because I find this story even more baffling than the Giants'.
Biggest Waste of a Fantasy Draft Pick
Allen: RGIII. Mediocre on his best days fantasy-wise.
Jackie: Not my draft pick, but almost… Doug Martin
Lauren: Ray Rice. If I had known the Ravens were going to be this incredibly awful, I would not have wasted a first round draft pick on any of them.
Madeline: Spiller. Runner-up (since mid-season only) Tom Brady. Way to screw the pooch, Tom.
Makeda: The entire New England Patriots receiving corps. How much do you think Brady misses Wes Welker right now? Not even the return of Gronk can take the sting out of that. At least they have great running backs. Oh. Wait.
Put Him On The Chopping Block
Allen: Mike Smith, Falcons. They’ve underachieved with the talent on the roster, and injuries are not enough of an excuse this year.
Jackie: Jeff Ireland, Dolphins GM. For years now you have been ruining the Dolphins for many reasons. 1. Terrible drafts 2. No Drew Brees (Long story, but Ricky Williams was the wrong choice there) 3. No Peyton Manning 4. the Richie Incognito thing must be partially his fault 5. Mike Wallace, the biggest free agent flop of all time.
Lauren: Roger Goodell, because even when he’s not that annoying he’s still the most god awful human being in the world.
Madeline: Jermichael “Please Don’t Throw to Him” Finley. I hate him. I am sorry he is hurt though.
Makeda: Greg Schiano, Bucs. MRSA, the QB situation, ZERO wins. This man has fully lost control of his team. He needs to lock it up or get gone.
Most Likeable Underdog Team
Allen: The Chiefs. Andy Reid seems like such a nice jolly old fat guy. Alex Smith lost his job in SF when he was playing the best football of his career. Kansas City has great fans. Wish Tony G. was there to enjoy this ride.
Jackie: The Browns since I am tired of the Steelers and Baltimore.
Lauren: The Bills. Partially because I feel like I go through the pain of being a Bills fan just watching my friend suffer. But I also like that the Bills consistently shock people by winning big and unexpected games.
Makeda: Everyone assumed the Browns had given up on the season after trading away Trent Richardson. Everyone was very wrong. Mad props to the Browns for committing. P.S. Seriously, Allen? The Chiefs?? How can they be underdogs when they're undefeated?!
Worst Team in the NFL East
Allen: All of them? Cowboys, just for squandering talent, having a Princeton-educated coach who just doesn’t seem to be very smart, and because Tony and Jerry.
Jackie: Deadskins, wow do I have to choose?
Lauren: The Dallas Cowboys. Also the best team but I give them the worst team for consistently playing with my heart and letting me down.
Madeline: The New York “I hate everything about them” Football Giants. I hate the fans. I hate Eli Manning. I hate NFL writers/commentators that say Eli is better than Peyton. Blech. The NFC East is my least favorite divison.
Makeda: Last year, the New York Football Giants were 6-3 through Week 9. This year, they’re 2-6 (plus a bye). With all the same players and personnel. No contest.
Calm The Fuck Down, Motherfuckers
Allen: Chiefs fans. Already WAY too much ranting about your team not getting respect. This is the NFL, not college. No one gives a damn about “power polls.” Keep winning and you get all the respect you want.
Jackie: Giants fans. They have Georgia fan syndrome. Nothing is good enough except for championships. At least the New York Football Giants have a couple in the past 25 years.
Lauren: HOW HAS NO ONE ELSE MENTIONED DEZ BRYANT? Clearly he’s the most excitable and insane person in the league.
Madeline: Giants fans. The year they won the Super Bowl, they wanted to fire Tom. Shut up you brats.
Makeda: Skins fans. Their star rookie QB tears his knee to shreds, comes back less than perfect the following season, and two games in, these people are screaming for him to be replaced by Kirk Cousins. By the way, guess what QB has thrown the highest ratio of interceptions to attempted passes in the NFL? Oh yeah, it's Kirk Cousins. (Thanks for running those numbers, LSum!) STFU, assholes.
Most Likely to Bounce a Coin of His Ass AND Abs
Allen: Kate Upton
Jackie: Eric Decker, this is a new revelation for me. Plus Jason Taylor is not playing anymore.
Lauren: Clay Matthews, easily. And I looked up pictures of both body parts to prove this.
Madeline: Colin Kaepernick, save for the fact that he is a buttaface. Goatees are gross. Runners up: Green Bay sandwich of dreamy Randall Cobb and Aaron Rodgers. I’d lick Rodgers’ dimples. (wait- TMI?)
Makeda: DeMarcus Ware. I KNOW. He's a Cowboy. But I can't deny it. He may not be as cut as Clay or Colin, but that smile! Plus, have you seen him intercept Eli? SO HOT.
Allen: Geno Smith starring in Butt Fumble 2: the Selfie:
Jackie: Joseph Fauria has been killing it this season with TD dance, but Bye Bye Bye won my heart.
Madeline: Please note the dog in this scenario is the Chicago Bears. The Cat is Aaron Rodgers and the Packers playoff hopes.
Makeda: I could watch this FOREVER.
What do you think of our awards? Nailed it, or 0/10 again? Did we overlook anyone that deserves an award?