Guys, it’s been a hot minute. I apologize for being MIA on the blog for a few weeks, but I have lots to say today. First of all, I live in Arizona now. My life the past 10 days has consisted of a lot of this:

Pools + puppy snuggles = my life now

Pools + puppy snuggles = my life now

Also, I’m spending more time with my dad since he lives here and this is definitely not going to bode well for my football-spectator skills. As you might have gathered from previous posts, Papa SumSum has been a Steelers fan his whole life. Literally within an hour of arriving in Phoenix, my dad was telling me how after the Steelers lost to the Bucs, he took all his Steelers gear to Goodwill because he was over them. True story.

Did you know games come on 3 hours earlier here? IT’S FUCKING AMAZING. Night games are over by 9pm. This is literally going to change my life when the Cowboys play MNF in a few weeks.

Enough ramblings from me. I have plenty more to say, but you can read about it in this week’s Rants & Raves. Without further ado, here’s the best and worst fantasy moments from this past week.


Ben Tate (RB, Browns)

I like this for many reasons: 1) It looks like there is masking tape on his helmet. #Brownshavenomoney 2) The gloves looked like his hair at first glance.

In some moment of drunkenness, I picked this guy up in my coed league. Actually, I might have just been trying to spite my friend that's a Browns fan, but whatever. This decision has been a completely irrelevant one since Tate hurt himself in week 1, but he came back last week. And this week he came back in a BIG way. 78 yards and 2 touchdowns? I'll take it, Ben. 


Wes Welker (WR, Broncos)

The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved. (if you get that reference, marry me)

Remember when Welker came back and ESPN was all "Peyton's so happy! Welker's going to get SO MANY (re: 11) points! OMG!". LIES. Lies, lies, lies. Luckily I used my superior intelligence and kept Welker on the bench. Apparently the Jets had the same idea and held him to a whopping 8 yards on Sunday. Perhaps things will look up for him in the future, or perhaps he'll be a lasting lesson of your brain on drugs. 


 Joe Flacco (QB, Ravens)

Confession: I love a good pedophile mustache.

You might think it's a bit of a stretch to say that I'm surprised by a former Super Bowl MVP doing well, but that's exactly what happened here. Flacco (who was sitting on my bench, clearly) threw for 306 yards and 5 touchdowns on Sunday. Yes, you read that correctly. CINCO TOUCHDOWNS. It's likely this has more to do with the Bucs being SO bad, but his overall season hasn't been too bad. He's been averaging 266 yards per game and has 12 touchdowns to only 3 interceptions. Being not "too bad" does not equal elite status though. However, I'll be nice to the Ravens this week (Hiiiii, Nicki!) and give Flacco some credit. Nice work.

The Oakland Raiders


It takes a lot for a whole team to get a mention, but I think the Raiders deserve it. Mostly because they're the RAIDERS. Their QB was born in the 90's. AND YET this Derek Carr character threw 4 TDs on Sunday against the San Diego Now I'm Positive They're Just Lucky & Not Good Chargers. 

Mr. Rivers is not pleased about this.

Don't worry: the Raiders still lost because.... OAKLAND RAIDERS. But props to Derek Carr & Andre Holmes for being the most frustrating players in fantasy this week, i.e. players that score a lot of points, but no one has on their time because they're irrelevant. 


Eli Manning (QB, Giants)


I honestly didn't know where to put Eli this week, so I had to make this new category for him. On the one hand, Eli didn't throw any interceptions this week, which is basically the first time that's happened since 2012, so STUD. On the other hand, Eli didn't throw any touchdowns either and threw for a whopping 151 yards. Yeesh, DUD. So, let's just call Eli what he is: BORRRRRING. 

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