Congratulations to the Jacksonsville Jaguars & the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for finally securing wins this week! If you're a Titans fan (ahem, AL) or a Dolphins fan (ahem, JACKIE), a hearty congratulations to you too for choosing to support some spectacularly awful teams. I'd rather win every game, but if my team is going to lose I'd rather it be to the Saints in New Orleans than the JAGUARS AT HOME. Woof.
Nick Foles (QB, Eagles) + Riley Cooper (WR, Eagles)
This duo gets the 1st handcuffed stud award, because they seem to be a packaged deal. I definitely thought that Foles' impeccable performance and Cooper’s excessive scores last week was a fluke performance. There’s no way that Chip Kelly could have gotten it that wrong and started Michael Vick over a quarterback that is this good. Except, that’s exactly what happened. Nick Foles is THAT good. Foles added 3 more TDs to his record on Sunday, with Cooper as the recipient of 2 of those, as the Eagles (luckily, despite what you might say, Makeda) beat the Packers. Foles has now thrown 16 touchdowns with zero interceptions which is basically the sexiest sentence I’ve ever heard. After a blah season Cooper has now scored 5 touchdowns and 241 yards in the last 2 games. Next up for the Eagles: the Washington Redskins. This duo is going to massacre the Skins.
I’m sorry, but where did the Week 10 Rams come from? St. Louis must be a nickname for Mars, because there’s no way these Rams are the same Rams that have been playing all season. 4 interceptions, 2 fumbles recovered and 2 touchdowns. Wowza.
Brandon Jacobs (RB, Giants)
Yes, I know Brandon Jacobs didn’t start on Sunday. I know it’s hard to score points when you don’t play. I am aware of the rules of American football. However, did anyone see this?
I know the Giants haven’t had much to celebrate this season, but knocking your own teammate down during a moment of triumph? Serious dud status.
Eddie Lacy & James Starks (RB, Packers)
Not a handcuff type of situation, but rather a for all intents & purposes, they’re the same person type of situation. Was I the only one that though the Packers running backs would get some increased carries this week without Rodgers? I started Starks over Le’von Bell using that reasoning and then had a FUCK YEAH thought when Seneca Wallace went out. But then…. nothing. Or close to nothing, anyway. Sparks had a pathetic game and Eddie Lacy was nothing to write home about. While I didn’t expect the Pack to win without their fearless & bearded leader, I did expect them to not be entirely pathetic.
Tavon Austin (WR, Rams)
Not only was Tavon Austin a surprise on Sunday, but the entire Rams team surprised the world by crushing the Colts in Indianapolis. Austin had a mediocre season thus far, only scoring 2 TDs in Week 2 against the Falcons. With Bradford out for the season, there was no way Austin was going to get a lot more catches and have any blowout games, so I did what any good fantasy owner would do: I dropped him. I’m pretty sure me dropping a player is the lucky charm for him to go crazy the next week and have the best game of the season. 3 TDS and 138 yards this week? You’re welcome, Tavon. Also, I’m in love with this shimmy.
Ryan Fitzpatrick (QB, Titans)
I’ve always loved Fitzy. That name, that brain, THAT BEARD- I’m powerless against it. Much to my delight, Fitzy had a surprisingly excellent game on Sunday. 2 TDs, 264 yards, plus an added bonus rushing touchdown. Definitely good stats for Jake Locker’s backup quarterback. The bad news? Fitzy still lost to the JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS. Womp womp.
Scott Tolzien, (QB*, Packers)
Remember when Aaron Rodgers got hurt and Packers fans everywhere lost their mind, unsure of who their quarterback would be. Remember when the Packers started their backup Seneca Wallace and Packers fans lost hope? Remember when Seneca Wallace got hurt in the first offensive drive of the game and Scott Tolzien (who?) replaced him? Madeline’s email says it all:
Also, it’s important to mention that his appearance here doesn’t come because of a surprise great performance. It’s definitely instead a SURPRISE! this person exists type of thing.
*Let’s use a loose definition of “quarterback” here.
Remember last week when every decent running back was on bye or dead and a bunch of random players scored points instead? Not the case this week. Check this out:
That, my friends, is a lot of double-digit scoring running backs. Despite my personal feelings and reluctance to discuss, a special shout out must be given to the New Orleans trifecta of Pierre Thomas, Mark Ingram, and Darren Sproles. Way to fuck up my season/life.