It feels like a waste of your time to talk to you about the Broncos. Everyone knows Denver is a great team. Sure, Eric Decker and Knowshon Moreno got picked off by other teams in the offseason, but that happens with a Super Bowl appearance. The Broncos are still helmed by Peyton Manning, who could find an open receiver on Mars and hit him in the numbers. Plus, Aqib Talib and DeMarcus Ware are to beef up an already strong defense. (Assuming the latter can stay healthy, which is…questionable. But I have a soft spot for Ware in spite of him being a lifelong Cowboy, so I’d like to see him succeed here.)
The only potential hiccup is that Wes Welker might legitimately die on the field this season. Seriously, I don't think that kid can take many more hits before Goddell's legal team forces him into early retirement. All that said, will the Broncos win the division? Yes. They’ll probably make it to the Super Bowl. They may even win it. Well, as long as they don’t pull shit like this again.
Remember when the Chiefs won their first nine games last year, and everyone was like, “Holy shit, this team is no joke!!” And then they came back from their bye week and went 2-5 for the rest of the season. Thank god for Washington and Oakland.
Even more insane was their playoff strategy. “Hey, let’s run up the score to 38-10 two minutes into the second half, and then just sit on our hands and hope Andrew Luck can’t throw the football! Oh, it turns out he can do that AND everyone on our team feels like getting injured in the same game? Well, we’ll just kick a couple field goals. That should be enough to hold them off. After all, our defense is the tits.” Final score: 45-44 Colts. Ugh. What a horrible way to end the season.
On the upside, the talent is here. Jamaal Charles will likely be the best running back in the league this year, in spite of Andy Reid being straight up allergic to having a run game. Alex Smith works well in this offense and the defense is formidable. Starting the 2013 season 9-0 was a fluke, but Chiefs fans don’t have anything to worry about. Well, except the Broncos.
San Diego Chargers
Ugh. These guys. I don’t know what to do with them. Philip Rivers’ bro antics are certainly entertaining from afar, but I don’t want to have to take him or this team seriously. They may scrape together a winning season, but they certainly won’t stumble ass backwards into the playoffs again. Because, I mean, carried by whose talents? Rivers? Ryan Mathews? Antonio Gates? Danny Fucking Woodhead? This roster makes me want to cry.
Wait, I just realized the Chargers have to play the NFC West this year. So much for 9-7. Just focus on keeping that loss column in the single digits.
Congrats on your 4-12 season in 2013! You weren’t the shittiest team in the league! You were better than Houston and Washington and…oh. Just Houston and Washington. That’s cool.
These are the teams who also had a 4-12 record last year: Atlanta, Cleveland, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay. When you’re on the same level as the 2017 London Jaguars and MRSA HQ, you have problems.
But never fear! The Raiders have found their savior!! He has come in the form of…Matt Schaub? Hey, Oakland, when you get your QB1 from one of the only two teams who were worse than you the previous season, you should rethink literally everything about your strategy. No wonder your fans are known for their murderous rage. If my team’s offense were in the hands of Pick-Six Schaub and the stellar RB combo of MJD and Darren McFadden, I’d want to kill everyone in sight too.