Rather than having a Thunderdome-style battle over who got to write about the NFC East, Lauren and I decided to take them on together. We laughed, we cried, but mostly, we made fun of Redskins fans.
Makeda: Well, I was going to Google stuff about the teams before this chat, but then I got caught up with work, so...we can just wing this.
LSum: That works for me. All my facts are based on my biased opinions anyway, let’s be serious.
Makeda: All my facts are HIGHLY SCIENTIFIC AND RESEARCHED (read: cobbled together from vague recollections of last year because I get football amnesia in the offseason). So that will be a good balance.
LSum: We basically represent all that is the NFC East: a vague sense of reality and an entitled sense of importance based on past memories. Clearly we're the perfect people to write this column!
Makeda: So where do you want to start? Reverse order of last season's standings, i.e. save our teams for last?
LSum: Ugh, the reminder of how close the Cowboys came to having it all. Yeah, that's fine.
Makeda: Cool. So, first up: the Redskins! Sorry. The "Washington Football Team."
LSum: Sorry, Makeda, I think you mean the WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM.
Makeda: I AM SORRY!!!!
LSum: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Signs we live in DC: the exchange that just happened above.
Makeda: I feel like all I know about the Washington Football Team -- and yes, I'm going to write it out every single time -- is that RGIII's knee isn't busted this time around and Dan Snyder is somehow an even bigger dick than he was this time last year. Which is an impressive, and yet utterly expected, move on his part.
OH! And they finally took DeSean Jackson off my hands, so now I can wear my Shady jersey guilt-free while that #10 gathers dust in my closet for the third consecutive season.
LSum: A healthy RGIII could lead the Skins (less offensive without the Red?) to the top of the division this year. THANK GOD I WON'T BE LIVING HERE WHEN THAT HAPPENS.
You know what really sucks about the Skins? Their first two games are against the Texans and the Jags, which means they'll go 2-0, which means we'll spend all of September listening to how they're going to the Super Bowl because...fucking Washington fans, man.
Makeda: Most fans of teams who haven't won a Super Bowl in decades have the decency to appreciate and wallow in their suckitude. Not Washington fans. NOT ON YOUR LIFE. SUPER BOWL, BABY!!!! THIS IS OUR YEAR!
In their defense, this team does have things working for them: Shanahan is gone, Alfred Morris is a nimble little mofo, DeSean has presumably been humbled enough by his intra-division trade to get his head in the game, and RGIII has four fully functioning limbs.
LSum: And speaking of defense, theirs is mediocre, but that makes it better than most of the defenses in this division and defenses win championships so ---- I need to go kill myself now.
Makeda: I'd wait till at least the bye week before swallowing those cyanide tablets. The Washington Football Team is still the Washington Football Team. They'll find a way to fuck it up.
LSum: And yet -- total fuck-ups can still find a way to win the NFC East. Do you like my segue to the Eagles? Actually, shit, are the Giants up next? My bad.
Makeda: The Giants are in fact up next, because even if you think the Eagles are total fuck-ups -- which they are NOT -- they had a winning season last year, which catapulted them to the top of the division. (God, the NFC East is an embarrassment.)
LSum: You might think you can bring me down by reminding me that the Eagles won the division, but I'd like to remind you that I'm pantless in bed right now while you're at work. So I think I win.
Makeda: Ugh, so jealous. I am not jealous, however, of Eli Manning's 3:2 INT-to-TD ratio from the 2013 season. Did we ever get an answer for what the fuck happened to him last year? Eli is no Peyton, but he is lightyears better than 27 INTERCEPTIONS.
LSum: Maybe he was as devastated by David Wilson's demise as every fantasy owner in America.
Makeda: Confession: I teared up a bit watching that press conference.
LSum: WOW. It's like I don't even know you at all.
Makeda: He's so young!! And had such potential!! I am only human!!! (Slash I'm turning into my mother in my old age.)
I'm going to make the bold prediction that Eli Manning will throw more touchdowns than interceptions this year AND that the Giants will win a game before October. I have faith in the Washington Football Team.
LSum: I think the former is correct, but have you looked at the Giants schedule? I give them a 25% chance of winning a game in September. Sorry not sorry, FUCKING TEXANS.
Makeda: Remember when the Texans were a playoff-caliber team? I'm sure you do because it was TWO YEARS AGO.
LSum: I think everyone in Houston remembers when the Texans were a playoff-caliber team, thus making life difficult for them. Is this a Texas thing? Is this a perfect segue to the Cowboys?
Makeda: Let's do it. The Cowboys are the worst and I hate them. The end. Eagles time!
LSum: You expect ME, the Cowboys fan, to want to spend more time talking about them? You're delusional.
Makeda: I mean, we should say something more about them.
Upside: Romo is healthy! Downside: Romo is your starting QB!
Upside: Dez Bryant is on your team! Downside: Dez Bryant is on your team!
Downside: Jerry Jones is your owner AND GM! (There is no upside for that one.)
LSum: First of all, I'm not convinced Romo is healthy. And let's remind ourselves who the backup is: BRANDON. WEEDEN. The struggle is real.
And let's talk about the Cowboys defense. Remember how last season they were 32nd in the league? And then dropped Ware? And then Sean Lee got hurt? They might as well have the two of us out there.
Makeda: Was that an offer? Because I wouldn't wear a Cowboys jersey in the privacy of my own home, let alone in a nationally televised event. You hear that, Jerry? Don't bother sending over that contract. I'm not interested.
LSum: Your horror of wearing a Cowboys jersey is how I feel EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY in the fall. Let that sink in.
Makeda: Honestly, I don't know how you do it.
LSum: I'm hoping it will be easier in Phoenix. Because who's going to make fun of me? A CARDINALS FAN?! (Remember how they're actually decent? #NFCEastlivinginthepastagain)
Makeda: Are there even Cardinals fans? Their stadium is apparently in the middle of a strip mall. That's rough.
LSum: My dad said it's in the middle of a corn field. Either way, it blows.
Makeda: Well, if you're a very good girl this year, Santa just might bring you the best Christmas present of all: a record-setting fourth consecutive 8-8 season. The Dallas Cowboys, the pinnacle of mediocrity.
LSum: I'd say there are worse things, but the last few years have been so brutally miserable that I can't think of what those things could be.
Makeda: Then let's move on to greener pastures. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!! I am actually entering this football season without an impending sense of doom!
(If Nick Foles shatters both collarbones in Week 3 and the Eagles are stuck with Buttfumble Sanchez as QB1 for the rest of the season, it will be karmic retribution for that statement.)
Can we talk about how the Eagles traded Vick to the Jets -- where he straight up doesn’t give a fuck and is content to coast into retirement, which I love -- and, in the process, managed to make me jealous of the NEW YORK JETS? Why, Jeffrey Lurie/Howie Rosenman/Chip Kelly? Whyyyyyyy? Why must Mark Sanchez wear my team's jersey? What did I do to deserve this?
LSum: At least he's a babe?
Makeda: Ew. Not my type.
LSum: Even when he wears the headband?
Makeda: You really don't know me at all.
LSum: I mean, you're the girl who didn't instantly understand the attraction to Tim Riggins, so I'm just going to assume your taste in men is horrible.
Makeda: It's not that I didn't understand, it's that I was distracted by Jason Street. Sorry for liking good guys who are driven AND have an adorable smile to boot. Oh. Wait. I’m not sorry about that at all.
LSum: Street paralyzed might be better than Sanchez. Just to really make you feel better.
Makeda: Street would certainly be better than Eagles QB3 Matt Barkley -- who I mistakenly called Charles Barkley the other week, which is how I will refer to him for the rest of the season. So I suppose that's Sanchez's true purpose: to keep Charles Barkley from starting.
LSum: Everyone needs a purpose in life.
Makeda: So do we think the Eagles will take the division again? Or will Eli shake off the rust from last season and lead the Giants to victory? To be clear, by "victory," I mean "a single playoff game" because expecting more than that from this division would be absurd.
LSum: I think it's between the Eagles and the Skins, but will probably go to the Eagles. To be clear, neither team will win a game in the playoffs. They will go down in the usual NFC playoff explosion, and somehow Romo will get blamed.
Makeda: How do you have so much faith in the Washington Football Team? Is Jay Gruden a magician?
LSum: The Cowboys play the Redskins in the last game of the season. To see how this will play out, see: last game of 2013 season, last game of 2012 season.
Makeda: Fair point. I'm just not willing to discount the Giants, even with their complete lack of a running game. Seriously, can you even name a Giants RB who isn't Rashad Jennings?
LSum: 100% no.
Makeda: I just pulled up their depth chart. Peyton Hillis is on this team. CHRIST.
LSum: THAT GUY?
Makeda: No joke. AND he's listed as questionable. I take it back. This team is a mess.
LSum: Skins 2014?
Makeda: Siiiiiiigh. You really have been in DC too long. It's rubbing off on you.
LSum: I've gotta get out of this hellhole.