Yeah, I’m going to start with this story and then we can talk about everything else.

Just three minutes before halftime in last night’s game against the 49ers, Peyton Manning threw his 509th touchdown in the NFL, a quick eight-yard pass to Demaryius Thomas to surpass Brett Favre as the league leader in career touchdowns.

His teammates congratulated him by doing this.

Big bro Cooper must have been so proud.

It’s a good thing Peyton broke the record last night because that and your fantasy team were the only reasons to bother watching this game. The Broncos won 42-10 and ended up pulling their star QB in the 4th after he threw yet another touchdown. The game was so boring that Cris Collinsworth was reduced to talking about how fast Colin Kaepernick was throwing the ball. No, seriously. He went on and on about how Kid Kap used to throw a 90 mph fastball and even had the crew to throw together a highlight reel clocking the speed of some of his passes. SHUT UP. NO ONE CARES.

But it’s nice to have a QB you can rely on, something the Washington Football Team knows nothing about. Washington’s game against the Titans was one of the trashiest trash bowls I’ve seen in a while. Both teams had a third-down efficiency of 3-11 and literally traded interceptions at one point in the second quarter. I suppose that’s a more efficient way to give the other team the ball than running three plays you’re most likely going to punt after, but…uh…I wouldn’t recommend it?

Anyway, the best part of this game was when Washington benched Kirk “IS THE FUTURE!!” Cousins to start Colt McCoy in the second half. This was Colt’s very first play:

This was the Eligible Receiver crew’s reaction to it:

Email chain
McCoy went on to throw 11/12 for 128 yards and no interceptions and rallied his team to a 19-17 win. His numbers were hugely helped by that completion to Garcon, but I'm sure that's more than enough for his jersey to start flying off the shelves. No one loves hating their assigned quarterback more than Washington fans. Just when we thought the QB situation in DC couldn’t get any more absurd… Man, it is so great to live in this town and NOT be a Washington fan.

It’s also pretty great to live in any town as a Buffalo fan (at least for today). The Bills pulled off a last-minute victory over the Vikings – which, I know, it’s the Vikings. But when your team fumbles the ball three times in one game – and throws an interception to boot – managing to win is impressive. Buffalo was down by six and had three minutes to drive the length of the field for a win. They ended up on Minnesota’s 30 with 25 seconds left and no timeouts. Kyle Orton completes a 28-yard pass…in bounds. Buffalo sprints down the field and spikes the ball to stop the clock at 0:05. And then…

…the Bills found themselves at 4-3.

The Lions also beat the Saints in a last-minute win, which…you know what? I’m going to stop right here. There were a bunch of performances yesterday that defied explanation. Rather than giving you game recaps, I’m going to throw up some stats and use GIFs to demonstrate my level of disgust.

New Orleans Saints: The Saints were up 17-3 just two minutes into the third quarter. When Detroit scored with 3:38 left, they were still up 23-17. Then this happened.

The Lions scored off that turnover and won the game. Seriously, Drew?

Cleveland Browns: Last week, the Browns beat Pittsburgh 31-10. This week, the Browns lost to the London Jaguars 24-10. That would be the Jags’ first win of the season.

The Jaguars’ top running back – I’m not giving you his name because no one cares – put up 127 yards and a touchdown. To put that in perspective for you non-football fans who read this because you like me, DeMarco Murray had 128 yards and a TD yesterday. He is the league’s lead rusher.

Cincinnati Bengals: After last week’s tie against the Panthers, the Bengals got shut out by the Colts.

Carolina Panthers: Last year, the Panthers had the #2 defense in the league. Yesterday, they let Green Bay score three touchdowns in the first quarter. And then 17 more points before the game ended. (In case it wasn’t obvious, they lost.)

Seattle Seahawks: The Rams sacked Russell Wilson three times. They've recorded one other sack all season so far. They also executed not one but TWO trick plays against the alleged best defense in the league.

Trick play #1: St. Louis players run toward the right corner of the field, drawing the Seahawks D with them, when the ball was going left. Touchdown Rams.


Credit to Chicago Barstool for breaking it down.

Trick play #2: St. Louis is up by two on 4th and 3 from their own 18. So you punt, right? Or you could fake a punt and have your punter throw an 18-yard pass for a first down…

I know those are both insane plays to try to predict, but…twice in one game? From St. Louis? Against the Legion of Boom?

Chicago Bears: Honestly, I have no idea what to make of this team. They started the season by losing to Buffalo in overtime. Then they beat San Francisco in a crazy fourth-quarter rally. Then they get crushed by Green Bay. Then they let Carolina beat them because...they only play well in the fourth quarter on the West Coast? Then they beat Atlanta (whatever) and now they get crushed by...the Dolphins? They haven't won a single game at home all year. So that means they're bad, right? Why do I feel like they're not supposed to be? What is happening in Chicago?!

Whatever. They're traveling to play the Pats next week. If anyone can hand them a loss that will seal their fate as a sucky team, it's Tom Brady. Wait, what's that? The Pats almost lost to the Jets at home on Thursday?

Posted in: NFL, Recap.
Last Modified: October 20, 2014

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