I think he got over his upset stomach.

We're one week away from the playoffs, and I want to kill myself.

NFC East
Division Champ: Dallas (11-4)
January = Vacation Time: Philadelphia (9-6), NY Giants (6-9), Washington (4-11)

Ugh. UGHHHHHHH. I HATE FOOTBALL.

The Eagles lost to the Washington Football Team 27-24 on Saturday, something that might have seemed impossible given the metric tons of drama coming out of Washington, but I had not forgotten how the Eagles BARELY eeked out a win when these teams played in September. By halfway through the first quarter, I was convinced the Eagles would lose. And they proved me right!

How did Washington beat the Eagles, you ask? Oh, does this scenario look familiar by any chance?

That was a 50+ yard completion. BRADLEY FLETCHER, YOU ARE WORTHLESS.

Other things that happened:

  • DeSean Jackson had four receptions for 126 yards. (Remember when Jackson was an Eagle? I miss him.)
  • The Eagles racked up 13 penalties, costing them 102 yards over the course of the game.
  • The Eagles missed back-to-back field goal attempts in the third quarter. (But rookie kicker Cody Parkey has a groin injury and has only missed two other field goals all season, so he gets a pass from me.)

The better question is, how did the Eagles lose by only three points?

Meanwhile, Indy straight up rolled over for Dallas. Final score: 42-7. T.Y. Hilton was out, which is obviously a big loss for the Colts, but not so big that you can justify not scoring until the fourth quarter. Then again, the Colts had nothing to play for in this game and benched Andrew Luck for Matt Hasselbeck when the score hit 35-0 in the third. The win gave Dallas the division title and their first playoff bid since 2009.

If it sounds like I'm downplaying this game, it's because I am. I am friends with too many Cowboys fans and they are THE WORST RIGHT NOW. LSum has been blowing up my phone all weekend and was kind enough to remind me of our NFC East preview from back when I was excited about this season. And I quote: I am actually entering this football season without an impending sense of doom! (If Nick Foles shatters both collarbones in Week 3 and the Eagles are stuck with Buttfumble Sanchez as QB1 for the rest of the season, it will be karmic retribution for that statement.) Karma's a bitch. Also, I'm a psychic.

The Giants got their sixth win of the season against the Rams in a game where this happened:

Unfortunately, the Rams fumbled the next snap, but pretty cool, no?

NFC North
Division Leader: Detroit (11-4)
Still In It: Green Bay (11-4)
January = Vacation Time: Minnesota (6-9), Chicago (5-10)

Green Bay and Detroit play each other this week and the winner will be the NFC North champ -- and likely earn a first-round bye -- but both teams have already locked in playoff spots. Instead, let's talk about how the Vikings managed to lose to the Dolphins because it was amazing.

Minnesota scored a bunch early, leading 17-7 at the half, and giving up one touchdown in the third quarter. Then came the fourth quarter shootout...

Vikings-Dolphins

...culminating in this game-winning play.

Yeah. That's a Dolphins safety. I LOVE IT.

NFC South
Division Leader: Carolina (6-8-1)
Still In It: Atlanta (6-9)
January = Vacation Time: New Orleans (6-9), Tampa Bay (2-13)

The Saints shit the bed against the Falcons yesterday, so they're out of playoff contention. The division title will be decided when the Panthers meet the Falcons in the Georgia Dome. Fucks given about this game/the NFC South as a whole = zero.

NFC West
Division Leader: Seattle (11-4)
Still In It: Arizona (11-4)
January = Vacation Time: San Francisco (7-8), St. Louis (6-9)

Awwwwww yeah!! Let's go Hawks!! Seattle routed Arizona in a 35-6 win last night. I went to bed around halftime when it was still 14-6, so I missed all the fun. Specifically, I missed Beast Mode going Beast Mode all over the Cardinals D. Marshawn Lynch's 79-yard TD run is the longest of his career and was instantly compared to a similar TD run against the Saints in the 2011 Wild Card game. Here they are side by side.

I can't decide which I like better. He breaks way more tackles against the Saints, but the dick grab jump into the end zone is gorgeous.

The win puts the Seahawks as the #1 seed in the NFC and drops the Cardinals to #6. Both teams are guaranteed a playoff bid, and Seattle is looking to a win over St. Louis to clinch home field advantage. Meanwhile, Arizona still needs a real QB. I can't wait to see who they pull out of retirement to attempt to salvage what started as such a promising season. They were 9-1!! Poor Cardinals.

AFC East
Division Champ: New England (12-3)
January = Vacation Time: Miami (8-7), Buffalo (8-6), NY Jets (3-12)

New England barely pulled off a win against the Jets, earning a first-round bye in the playoffs. The Jets intercepted Tom Brady when the Pats were deep in their own territory, giving them the ball on the NE 30. Unfortunately, two incomplete passes and a sack for a 10-yard loss gave Jets kicker Nick Folk a 52-yard field goal attempt, which he missed. New England was able to get three first downs and kneel on the ball to win the game 17-16.

AFC North
Division Leader: Cincinnati (9-4-1)
Still In It: Pittsburgh (10-5), Baltimore (9-6)
January = Vacation Time: Cleveland (7-8)

I DON'T GET THIS DIVISION.

The Steelers beat the Chiefs and are guaranteed a playoff spot. So...I guess the Steelers ARE good? They'll play the Bengals next week, and that matchup has been flexed to the night game. (Could have been Panthers/Falcons. Thank god it's not.) Cincinnati could lock in their playoff spot with a win or tie against the Broncos tonight, which...if that happens, my brain may literally melt.

If the Bengals lose their next two games, they'll be out of the playoffs. That scenario would open the door for the Ravens or Chargers to jump into the #6 spot. But Baltimore needs a win over Cleveland to stay in contention.

AFC South
Division Champ: Indianapolis (10-5)
Still In It: Houston (8-7)
January = Vacation Time: Tennessee (3-12), Jacksonville (2-13)

I hope you enjoyed drinking your way through the Titans/Jaguars matchup with the help of Eligible Receiver's Thursday Night Trash Bowl drinking game. Here's a photo of the stadium, courtesy of Allen's friend Matt, who I can only assume was paid thousands of dollars to attend.

Ouch.

Ouch.

I watched five whole plays before changing the channel. But I did catch when they used the next gen stats to show how many yards the sideline reporter has walked this season. Riveting stuff.

In other AFC South news, Arian Foster threw a touchdown in yesterday's game against the Ravens. Yes. You read that correctly.

The Texans' 25-13 win over Baltimore kept their playoff hopes alive, but in order to score a Wild Card spot, they'll need:

  1. A win over Jacksonville (sure),
  2. A Chargers loss to the Chiefs (could happen), and
  3. A Ravens loss to the Browns (um...wouldn't bet on it).

But, hey, in the words of Kevin Garnett...

Except a Texans Super Bowl. That's definitely not possible.

AFC West
Division Champ: Denver (11-3)
Still In It: San Diego (9-6), Kansas City (8-7)
January = Vacation Time: Oakland (3-12)

The Chargers clawed their way to an overtime win against San Francisco to stay in the hunt. When a 49-yard interception return TD put San Diego in a 21-point deficit just 20 minutes into the game, the Chargers kept plugging. This fumble was recovered by San Diego and brought the score to 28-21...

...followed almost immediately by this 90-yard TD run...

Good LORD, he is fast.

...followed by 14 unanswered points by San Diego, pushing the game into overtime tied at 35. San Francisco won the coin toss but fumbled on their second play, and Nick Novak kicked a 40-yard field goal for the Chargers win.

As I said before, the Chiefs and Chargers play this Sunday. If San Diego wins, that #6 seed is theirs. If they lose, they're out, and Kansas City will need losses by Houston and Baltimore to jump in. Bring on Week 17!!

Posted in: NFL, Recap.
Last Modified: December 22, 2014

One comment on “NFL Recap: Almost There

  1. Fawn

    Makeda, you are my spirit guide. You've summed up all the feels I had that day. (however, will A LOT less f-bombs and other random curse words I made up at that moment)

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