Sideline Picks: NFL Week 16

Ravens @ Texans

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
36-24-1
Karma and J.J. Watt are on Houston's side. Who needs a QB?
Madeline
35-25-1
Ravens have too much to play for.
Jackie
32-28-1
The Ravens are a solid December team and need the win.
Makeda
28-32-1
Things I have learned this season: I'm not good at picking games. Therefore, my picks this week are based purely on which team/players I like better. This one goes out to my boy J.J. Love you, boo.
Lauren
22-38-1
Because Papa SumSum said so, that's why.

Chiefs @ Steelers

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
36-24-1
The Steelers have been inconsistent all year. Time for a down week.
Madeline
35-25-1
Why not?
Jackie
32-28-1
The outcome depends on which Steeler team show up. Hopefully it is the good one for their sake.
Makeda
28-32-1
Because I've been loving on them all season and I see no reason to stop now. Also, I love running backs, and Jamaal Charles is what is statistically referred to as "a fucking beast."
Lauren
22-38-1
A Steelers fan did me a solid this week by a) agreeing to watching Friday Night Lights and b) reserving judgment on Tim Riggins until the end, so I'm going to do him a solid back by picking his team.

Falcons @ Saints

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
36-24-1
They'll win to keep teasing me.
Madeline
35-25-1
How is it week 16 and I still have no idea how any of these teams will perform on any given Sunday?
Jackie
32-28-1
These crap teams have a lot to play for. I give it to the home team, but I think the Falcons would be slightly better in the playoffs.
Makeda
28-32-1
Every time I'm in New Orleans, I'm reminded of how awesome the Saints colors are. Do you realize how many options there are for accessorizing with black and gold? I saw a woman my mother's age wearing gold sequined pants. At a football game!! So baller.
Lauren
22-38-1
I just really really want Drew Brees to be happy. Sorry, Allen.

Seahawks @ Cardinals

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
36-24-1
With all due respect to the Cardinals, no way they're winning this one. In answer to my earlier QB question: Arizona does.
Madeline
35-25-1
Sorry Cards, you are on like your 25th QB.
Jackie
32-28-1
I love the Cardinals team, but at some point you have to falter once you have your 18th string Joe Schmoe behind center.
Makeda
28-32-1
I don't need to talk about how much I love Richard Sherman again, do I? I didn't think so. As everyone has pointed out, props to the Cards for making it this far despite starting 37 QBs over 16 weeks. But the L.O.B. is bringing this one home.
Lauren
22-38-1
Fun story (mostly for Keets): On Sunday I'm going to a bottomless mimosa brunch and then watching "the game". It's a very DC thing to do except "the game" is this matchup and involves no burgundy or gold and certainly no racist names. God bless America.

Go For Two: NFL Week 16 Games To Watch - Packers Edition

Look. I'm not gonna lie to you. Losing last week sucked. It sucked so bad. We lost in every phase of the game. We lost spectacularly. A safety on the last drive of the game was the cherry on top.

It was a team loss. Aaron Rodgers made some pretty awful throws. Aaron was lucky he came out of that one with only 2 interceptions, there could have been at least 2 more on top of that. Receivers, I'm looking at you Davante Adams, didn't even turn around for some of the passes. Jordy Nelson dropped one, which, that will happen, but it stings because it was such a big play. Just lay off Jordy you all. Special teams allowed a return for a TD and a blocked kick. Oh, and then there is my favorite defensive coordinator, Dom Capers. I want everyone who keeps trying to say the defense held the Bills to field goals to STFU. Oh, yay! The Bills didn't get a touchdown. Yeah, well, you allowed four, FOUR field goals. There is nothing awesome-o about allowing four field goals. I'm not entirely sure who to blame for the safety. All I know is I'm sitting there like, put the whole game behind you, guys. It's okay. We just need one touchdown -- we can do this. Remember Miami. And .... plop, the ball is on the ground, in the end zone. Safety.

I hate your face

Wow.

There is a scenario where we do not make the playoffs. You gotta be kidding me.

That's why, this week, the NFL Week 16 Games To Watch is a Packers addition. I know, I know -- pretty selfish of me, but these are selfish times, thanks to our biting loss to Kyle Orton and my second least favorite defensive coordinator, Jim Schwartz. I hated seeing Jim Schwartz on the sidelines as the Bills defensive coordinator. It is entirely possible to just hate looking at someone's face.

Philadelphia at Washington (Saturday 4:30PM EST): As a Packers fan, we need the Eagles to lose to Washington. That's not necessarily off the table. The last time these two teams met, Washington only lost by 3. Kirk Cousins. He made 30 out of 48 passes and gained a total of 427 yards. My Michigan State alumni had three touchdowns and one interception. As we all know, Cousins tanked after that, but all I am saying, is it is in the realm of possibilities. So make it happen.

Lions at Bears (Sunday 1:00PM EST): Okay. We all saw MNF (more or less ... okay, less. I only watched two plays and baby Cutlet got sacked two times in a row). This is a bit of a stretch; Bears need to win. However, if the Bears couldn't turn it on for MNF after all the news came out about the internal team backstabbing, then I don't know that they can. The Lions are the number 2 seed. They are going to turn it on. I'm hoping they get really big heads, think they have the game locked up, and a miracle happens. Maybe they all get a little chilly at the Bears stadium. Maybe Angelina Jolie visits Detroit and gives the team chickenpox? Look, I don't want anyone seriously ill or anything, but maybe a catering company can cause the team to have food poisoning? Honestly, I'm desperate. I don't see the football Gods sending a "W" on the wings of a dove down to Soldier Field. But I wish they would.

Colts at Cowboys (Sunday 4:25PM EST): Colts need to win. I don't want our chances of going into the playoffs based on some random tie-breaking rule. Cowboys and Pack did not play a head to head game. The next rule is best record in conference. It may actually come down to best record in common games, the 3rd tie-breaking rule for the wild card. That is so sketchy, I don't like it. Good luck, Luck. I root for the caveman on Sunday.

Seahawks at Cardinals (Sunday 8:30PM EST): This would be the game of the week for everyone watching football week 16. In particular, for the Packers, we need the Seahawks to lose. Anyone that is in playoff contention needs to lose. It will help with home-field advantage as well. Seahawks can taste home-field advantage. Everyone in the NFC playoff race does not want Seattle to get home field. It's in everyone's best interest if Seattle loses this game.

Of note, if the Cardinals win this game, it very well may happen that the Cards go to the Super Bowl at home. I'm not sure this happens with the 3rd string quarterback Lindley. The good news is, Stanton may be back in time for the playoffs. Which, at the beginning of the season, who would have thought having Drew Stanton as your quarterback in the Super Bowl would be a good thing?

Side note, yes. The Packers need to beat Tampa Bay on Sunday. I sure-as-shit hope that happens, cause if it didn't ...

NFL Recap: Coming Down the Stretch

SuperBowlXLIXLogo

There are just two weeks left in the regular season, which means it's a football free-for-all. This is the point when we all become heavily invested in the outcomes of games we normally wouldn't even register because PLAYOFFS, BABY!!! Let's break it down by division and see who's still got a shot.

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Sideline Picks: NFL Week 15

I know, I've been slacking this week. I missed my recap post, and now I'm posting picks on the day of the games. But they're up before kickoff, which is all that matters. We have some big games this week as we near the end of the regular season. Let's see how we do!

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Rants and Raves: Almost the Playoffs

Here is the almost playoff version of Rants and Raves. Read about the unjustice in the NFL where Allen's shitty team is likely making the playoffs, but my extraordinarily mediocre team will not.

Allen 

The Falcons are reaching new heights of Falcons this year. Somehow they've managed to land in the worst division in the history of football. As a result, I can't even look forward to the draft like fans of most shitty teams. Instead, I have to keep wondering whether 6-10 or even 5-11 might get us a home playoff game. Oh,but they're not done. They keep showing flashes of potential (beating the Cardinals, almost winning at Lambeau), just enough to encourage my delusions. I mean, what if we got Dallas at home in the playoffs? We could Romo our way past that, and then... being a Falcons fan is like being in an emotionally abusive relationship. If they were a person, my friends would have an intervention.

Allen is hoping this Falcon's team does not finish the regular season.

My other dreams include Todd Gurley falling far enough in the draft for the Falcons to grab him. He could replace Stephen Jackson (who might as well be a walker from The Walking Dead) and lead us to glory. It could happen, right? Right?

He can soar right into a Falcon's uni, right?!

Madeline 
I”m very happy with where the Packers are at in the playoff race. Second seed is definitely where we need to be. However, I think Aaron Rodgers hovering and pacing at the sideline when our defense is on the field speaks volumes. Dom Caper’s defense allowed 30 points in the second half. THIRTY POINTS! Come on. Get it together.

This half grin by the beautiful Benedict capture Mad's love hate relationship.

We have been here before. Our offense looks unbeatable, but our defense is shit. Our defense lost us our Super Bowl run in the 2011 season. 15-1 with our only loss to the Kansas City Chiefs because our offense was having an off day. We enter the playoff race in the divisional round to play the New York Giants. We lost because we allowed 37 points in the divisional game.
I pray the same thing doesn’t happen this year, but if the Falcons game is any indication, history may repeat itself.
Makeda 
Oh, my dear sweet Eagles. Why can't you just commit to being mediocre? Why is Chip Kelly a god among men and capable of making literally anyone a passable quarterback? I was sure when Nick Foles went down and Mark Sanchez came in, we were doomed to a 7-9 season. But no. Somehow Chip Kelly has made Mark Sanchez just good enough to keep the Birds winning -- you know, until they're up against a real team like Green Bay or Seattle, and then the Eagles look like a Pop Warner squad. It's such a painful tease.

Kelly's feelings about Mark Sanchez.

And now we have to beat Dallas to ensure a division win, which is my least favorite football sentence to write, because it means I am subjected to statements like, "You got the second best QB in the NFL coming into town this weekend. Only Aaron Rodgers is better than my boy!!" from Lauren's fellow Cowboys lover. UGHHHHHHHH HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?! Dear Santa: All I want for Christmas is a win against the Cowboys on Sunday. I have been a very good girl, I promise.

Makeda needs this Christmas angel to bring her a win this Sunday.

Jacqueline
The Dolphins are not dead to me yet, because to be quite frank they have exceeded my preseason expectations. Tannehill seems to be getting better each year, which is expected because he didn't start his reign behind center in college until the latter half of the 2010 season. Putting his high school years aside, this guy was a receiver four years ago. However, I can complain about them almost living up to great expectations and failing again. Get it together for the entire Baltimore game and not just one quarter. Until there is some semblance of a run defense the Dolphins will continue being aggresively mediocre.

This is for LSum.

Also, let me take the time to go ahead and complain that Allen's shitty 5-8 team is probably going to the playoffs. Oh and they have to beat out a team with a QB with a broken back and then in the first round of the playoffs may have to beat another guy with a broken back. Screw you Atlanta. Screw you Saints. Screw you NFC South.
Also, Cam did you really have to break your back this week? I needed you in the playoffs this week. You are playing Tampa. Now I have to rely on Jay Cutler, so yeah, I am going to rant about that too.

Go For Two: NFL Week 15 Games to Watch

What the hell, man? Week 15! The season is almost over! No!!!!!!!!!!

Thankfully the next three weeks should be fantastic.

These are the NFL Week 15 games to watch ...

Dolphins (7-6, 9th seed) at Patriots (10-3, 1st seed): I thought this would be a game of the week, and while I would very much enjoy watching it, when I researched playoff rankings, the Dolphins are currently the 9th seed. I'm not so sure they make it into the spectacular this year. So, if I am simply picking games based on playoff race, this puppy doesn't make it into week 15 games to watch. That makes me sad and that's why I am not erasing this as a slot in the game of the week. Love you Tannehill.

Broncos (10-3, 2nd seed) at Chargers (8-5, 6th seed): Everyone needs to stop with the Peyton is showing is age just because he didn't throw a touchdown pass. You know what, I take that back, he is showing his age, through maturity. He wants to win. If a rushing TD gets him that win, that's all he cares about. Dan Marino was the best of the best, never won a Super Bowl. Peyton wants the Super Bowl.

As for this game, the Chargers are barely holding onto that 6th seed. The Chargers will not take the AFC West division champs from the Broncos, so the Chargers really need to win this game by hook-or-by-crook to keep their wild card hopes alive. The Chargers, Steelers, Ravens are all 8-5. The Steelers (8-5, 5th seed), may or may not beat the Falcons, the Bengals (8-4-1, 4th seed) may or may not beat the Browns, but the Ravens (8-5, 7th seed) are going to beat the Jaguars. The Chargers still have the Niners (7-6) and the Chiefs (7-6, 10th seed) yet to go. The Chargers may be waiving bye-bye to their playoff hopes based on strength of schedule. Ravens have the Texans and the Browns left and the Steelers have Chiefs and Bengals. Ravens have the easiest schedule. Look for some movement over the next few weeks that does not bode well for the Chargers.

 

Niners (7-6, 8th seed) at Hawks (9-4, 5th seed): This will be such a good game. I hate the Niners, and I will love watching them implode during this game. I have never seen a bigger bunch of cry babies in the league -- fans and players included. The Niners should move over to the English Premier League where whining, flopping, and throwing your arms up in the air over the littlest infraction is common place. It's fine in soccer, it's been like that forever. That's not how you conduct yourself in the National Football League. Look at the Rams. People love the Rams because while they will not win the division or go to the playoffs, they conduct themselves with pride. The Vikings play every game with pride. Good for them and their fans. Niners fans are burning their Kaepernick jerseys. You know what? I bet the Niners of the past are glad that Candlestick closed. This new generation doesn't deserve to be associated with the glory of the past.

 

Cowboys (9-4, 7th seed) at Eagles (9-4, 3rd seed): This is the game of the week. Eagles (3rd seed), Hawks (5th seed), Lions (6th seed), and Cowboys (7th seed) all have a 9-5 record. That makes this game between division rivals that much more important and to a lot of teams. Clearly, the wild card is hotly contested which makes winning the division that much more crucial.

These two teams are pretty evenly matched, statistically speaking, save for passing. The Eagles come in at 8th and outrank the 18th overall Cowboys. However, some of those stats are due to Foles, and not Mark Sanchez. Cowboys already lost to Philadelphia at home and this game will be in Philly. I have no idea how Tony Romo's back is holding up, but I can't expect well. I'm sure in years to come he will be complaining of mind-numbing pain all over his body and will realize that it wasn't worth it at all. Some young punk will come on the Cowboys roster and Jerry Jones will be like "Tony who?" It's the sad state of affairs in the league, well, any profession. There is always someone there to take your place.

Just like someone very well may take the Eagles place as the 3rd seed.

 

Side note: Screw you Julio Jones for the ridiculous amount of fantasy points you obtained. You ruined my chances at a playoff spot. I hate you. Okay, not really, but come on!

Sideline Picks: Championship Weekend

ACC: 2 Florida State vs 12 Georgia Tech

Pick Sideline Commentary
Jacqueline
21-15
Now I want to see the best possible playoff and that means FSU needs in. This is so Oregon or Alabama can roll them in a month.
Lauren
19-17
Georgia Tech.
Allen
19-17
Georgia Tech because wishing makes it so.
LaNiece
15-21
No way is Ga. Tech better than FSU but just this once. No, seriously, I am so sick of FSU.

A Big 12 game: Oklahoma St. vs 18 Oklahoma

Pick Sideline Commentary
Jacqueline
21-15
Not sure why I chose to pick this game, but Oklahoma.
Lauren
19-17
I never pick Oklahoma.
Allen
19-17
Oklahoma winner makes the playoff in Division II.
LaNiece
15-21
Does it really matter? Neither team has a snowball chance in hell of making the playoffs.

Big 10: 11 Wisconsin vs 6 Ohio State

Pick Sideline Commentary
Jacqueline
21-15
I dislike Ohio State with fiery vengeance, they may blow it today.
Lauren
19-17
Scony!
Allen
19-17
Ohio State is one injury away from starting Mark Sanchez at QB.
LaNiece
15-21
You know, I'm really not a hater in general but I despise OSU. eww!

SEC: 1 Alabama vs 14 Missouri

Pick Sideline Commentary
Jacqueline
15-21
I am disgusted by Missouri's appearance here. Roll tide!
Lauren
19-17
BAMA
Allen
19-17
Since Missouri is still only half an SEC team (yes, I'm bitter), 'Bama will give us a preview of the ass-kicking they will administer to TCU or North Dakota State or Drexel or whoever the committee decides to give them in the playoff.
LaNiece
13-17
Really, what is this world coming to where MISSOURI wins the SEC east????? Not for long suckas, UF just got a new HC. I smell a National Championship in our future.

Sideline Picks: NFL Week 14

Steelers @ Bengals

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
31-21-1
The Steelers are the weirdest team in the league. I think the good ones will show up this week.
Madeline
28-24-1
Can I really pick a team that lost to the Jets? I guess so...
Jackie
27-25-1
The AFC North cluster. I still dig the Steelers. This is the time of year they have been known to roll and the Bengals roll over.
Makeda
25-27-1
The Steelers are SO WEIRD. I don't trust them.
Lauren
16-36-1
For my dad.

Chiefs @ Cardinals

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
31-21-1
Arizona is 10-1 in its last 11 at home. Quarterback? Who needs one?
Madeline
28-24-1
Cards at home. Plus, I had to do a double take that the Chiefs lost to the Raiders.
Jackie
27-25-1
Cardinals! I am still on this train.
Makeda
25-27-1
Chiefs! I am still on this train.
Lauren
16-36-1
Homer pick.

Seahawks @ Eagles

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
31-21-1
Could be the best game of the week, but to beat Seattle, you DO need a quarterback. Philly can't stop Lynch, and Sanchez is still a fraud.
Madeline
28-24-1
Seattle has turned their ship around.
Jackie
27-25-1
The dirty bird match up. I have taken the title away from the Falcons because they have looked more like penguins lately. Give me the Eagles.
Makeda
25-27-1
I'm taking my boys. Let's do this.
Lauren
16-36-1
I HATE THE EAGLES.

Trash Bowl: Giants @ Titans

Pick Sideline Commentary
Allen
31-21-1
Can I pick both teams to lose? No? Then Giants, because Odell Beckham makes miracles happen.
Madeline
28-24-1
What a trash bowl this is. Jeez. Ugghhhhh … Giants, I suppose.
Jackie
27-25-1
Can I pick both teams to lose? No? Then Giants, because Odell Beckham makes miracles happen.
Makeda
25-27-1
Jesus H. Christ, these teams are terrible. Giving it to the G-Men because there's no way Fitzy repeats last week's performance.
Lauren
16-36-1
Vince Young is still a legend.