Your favorite Eligible Receiver writers have quite the treat for you - we’re starting a new weekly column! After two years of trying to either avoid Cowboys failure references or discreetly sing their praises every week, I decided to just make an official column where I don’t have to pretend like I’m not going to talk about whatever madness Tony Romo & his band of misfits did this weekend. Thus, Rants & Raves was born. I’ll be venting about and praising the Dallas Cowboys and the rest of the writers will talk about their home teams: Jackie - Miami Dolphins; Makeda - Philadelphia Eagles; Allen - Atlanta Falcons; Madeline - Green Bay Packers. Without further ado, here are our rants & raves from Week 2 of the NFL season.

Atlanta Falcons

Allen was already struggling after UGA’s rough loss on Saturday and unfortunately for him, the Falcons just made things worse on Sunday.

A loss to the damn Bengals? A blowout at that? Here's an idea: someone on the team should realize that Steven Jackson can't play! There are competent running backs all over the place, but none play in Atlanta.

I'm totally embarrassed and totally ashamed.

Dallas Cowboys

I have so many thoughts about the Cowboys and also, shockingly few thoughts at all. Did you know that Tony did not throw an interception on Sunday? He also only threw 1 TD and 176 yards, but that's irrelevant. Most surprising about the game was the Cowboys defense. As in, there was a Cowboys defense at all. I think it speaks less highly of our defense and more poorly about Jake Locker, but thanks for the interceptions, bro. I can't wait for us to find a way to lose in St. Louis this week. 

Pretend like these are the cursed navy jerseys, since perhaps Sunday's game will help break the curse!

Green Bay Packers

Luckily for any readers with delicate sensibilities, we forgot to have an ongoing chain on Sunday, so by the time I collected thoughts on Monday, Madeline had (mostly) calmed down and limited her profanities.

Any Packers fans that watched the Jets game on Sunday can commiserate with Madeline.

I had a stroke yesterday during the first quarter. I always love watching an opening drive GB fumble with a Jets recovery and Geno Smith walking into the end zone. We shit a goose egg on our next drive and the the Jets scored another touchdown to make the game 14-0. FUCK! The stroke came when it was 14-3 and Rex Ryan goes balls out on 4th and 2 and converts it to a first down. Ah, 21-3. Super exciting. Great defense GB, just stellar. 

Luckily, Aaron and his boys had quite the comeback in the 3rd quarter and Madeline seemed to calm down a bit. Even calm enough to enjoy the fight that occurred in the end zone!

NYJ #96 gets ejected because he wasn’t throwing one punch, but multiple punches — kinda comedically cause he was just throwing them everywhere at anything in front of him. He must have been just raging mad. 

I think the stress of the game finally got to Madeline though because she referred to the coach of the Jets as “Sexy-Rexy.” Gross.

Overall thoughts:

I’m glad GB pulled out the win, but come on guys, get it together. Chicago just beat the Niners, we need to step it up. 

Miami Dolphins

Jackie's confusion about her precious Phins isn't surprising to me, but then again, I'm used to teams that win one week and lose the next. ALL SEASON FOR MANY SEASONS IN A ROW. 

How can the Dolphins roll New England, but get destroyed by Buffalo???

Too soon, Jackie?

Philadelphia Eagles


At 11:34 pm on Monday: I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS.

At 10:15 am on Tuesday: Both of my emails are still true. I will spare you most of my thoughts since it seems rude to bitch about a team that is 2-0, but I'd like to share this stat: over two games, the Eagles have scored 6 points in their first halves and 58 points in their second halves. If this continues, this team will literally kill me. Also, shoutout to the Saints for giving us Sproles!!!! Y'all are too kind.

Leave a reply


Current ye@r *